Hidden In My Heart

...See All The People

2011-10-19T09:27:00.012-04:00

Now when the builders had laid the foundation of the temple of the LORD, the priests stood in their apparel with trumpets, and the Levites, the sons of Asaph, with cymbals, to praise the LORD according to the directions of King David of Israel. They sang, praising and giving thanks to the LORD, saying, “For He is good, for His lovingkindness is upon Israel forever.” And all the people shouted with a great shout when they praised the LORD because the foundation of the house of the LORD was laid._{Ezra 3:10-11}

The Temple of Yahweh.
The Church.
The People of God.

In Ezra 3:10 The people of God return to Jerusalem after 70 years of exile in Babylon; A younger generation, born in captivity, tasting for the first time the sweetness of freedom and promise; An older generation, returning home, carrying the weight and the glory of the history of their people.

The People of God.

The foundation of this Temple is the foundation of the Church we stand on today.

In this Temple: A twelve year old Jesus of Nazareth will astound scholars.
In this Temple: The Messiah will violently dispel money changers.
In this Temple: Leaders will conspire to crucify a man they mock as "King of the Jews".

This temple, like the one that precedes it, will fall at the hand of a pagan Emperor.

But, in Ezra 3 the people of God come together to build a church.
A younger generation with shouts of triumph, carrying hope for the future.
An older generation with wails of sorrow, carrying the story of the past.

God's People.
Pouring all that they have, all that they are, and all that they hope to be
into the foundation of a building.

Yet many of the priests and Levites and heads of fathers’ households, the old men who had seen the first temple, wept with a loud voice when the foundation of this house was laid before their eyes, while many shouted aloud for joy, so that the people could not distinguish the sound of the shout of joy from the sound of the weeping of the people, for the people shouted with a loud shout, and the sound was heard far away. _{Ezra 3:12-13}

Their voices and their hearts crying out the eternal truth: A building made by the hands of men will never be The Church, and The People of God will forever be...

Glorious failures.

That's what He said

2010-12-18T12:54:00.002-05:00

Here's something (plastered on the side of someone's car) that I'm pretty certain Jesus WOULD NOT say if He were driving around Niles today:

By the time you are done reading this sign you will no longer be IGNORANT. Jesus died for your sins so that you can get to heaven. BELIEVE IN HIM.

Here are some things He DID say:

"But you are not to be called a rabbi, for you have one teacher and you are all students...Nor are you to be called instructors, for you have one instructor, the Messiah... But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you lock people out of the kingdom of heaven. For you do not go in yourselves, and when others are going in, you stop them. Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you cross sea and land to make a single convert, and you make the new convert twice as much a child of hell as yourselves...Woe to you blind guides...You blind fools!" Matthew 23:8-17

That's what He said.

Does God REALLY do THAT???

2010-11-17T20:15:00.002-05:00

A brief summary of a few events in 2^nd Kings 1-6

Elijah (prophet of the LORD):

Receives a direct message (by angel) from God • Gives a death decree from the LORD (which is fulfilled) •Kills 102 (by my calculations) men with “fire from heaven” • Parts the Jordan river, with a rolled up cloak • Is taken to heaven (while he is still alive) on a fiery chariot (horses and all)…in a whirlwind

Elisha (Elijah’s successor):

Parts the Jordan (with Elijah’s cloak) •Purifies a poisonous stream, and some poisonous stew - with a little salt and flour • Curses a group of boys, in the name of the LORD, which results in a bear mauling 42 of them • Serves as a conduit of God’s “voice” which proclaims He will fill the land with water – without wind or rain (and then actually does it) • Instructs a woman to fill every vessel in town with oil from one small jar • Declares a woman will conceive, then later brings her dead son (the result of her conception) back to life by praying to the LORD • Cures a man (who is very uncooperative) of leprosy…then inflicts another man (along with his descendants, FOREVER) with the very same leprosy •Causes an iron axe head to float on water • Prays – and the eyes of his servant are opened to see a heavenly army (More fiery chariots & horses) • Then completely blinds the enemy army…

Once I catch my breath - I’m left with a few questions, like…Does God REALLY do THAT??

Did He do it back then but doesn’t do it anymore? Are these stories fairy tales and fables to get children (and adults) to behave? Is this for real?

What if it is?

Does God really come close enough to speak to (and through) us? Close enough to send angels, heal the sick and feed the hungry? Close enough to rescue the widow & orphan, perform miracles, give signs and protect the innocent? Close enough to… punish the wicked…give life… take life … raise the dead?

Maybe, underneath all the analysis, contemplation, and debate concerning the bible – there’s only one real question.

How close are you God? – really?

Ordinary People (Part 2)

2010-11-05T20:59:00.003-04:00

So, Naomi is lost in grief and hopelessness and Ruth does something ... unexpected.

Maybe it is rooted in her own best interest, maybe her family is no family she wants to go home to. Maybe it's pride, who wants to go home a widow with no children to show for a 10 year marriage? Maybe over the years she has formed such a strong love for Naomi that she is willing to risk her own future, rather than suffer the loss of the relationship. Maybe it was truly selfless. This young girl, who is not even a Hebrew and doesn't know the God of Israel, recognizes Naomi's need, and sacrifices her own security to walk alongside her.

So Naomi returned together with Ruth the Moabite... Ruth 1:22

Things get rather interesting after that. Naomi sets about instructing Ruth on - what COULD be interpreted as - seducing a husband. But, as I am drawn in and caught up by this story; my heart beats with the kind of longing and hope that only the greatest of love stories inspire. Twilight, Titanic, or more to my taste, Wuthering Heights, and Gone With The Wind. The kind of love stories that whisper to the deepest part of us - that we are not alone. That...

God sets the lonely in families... Psalms 68:6

Something else that is very interesting, that may not jump out at you right away, is that unlike most of the Old Testament, YAHWEH never shows up at all. No burning bushes or parting waters. No lions dens, talking donkeys or whale rides. No floods, fires, pillars of salt, grand victories, or smiting of the wicked. The Book of Ruth is all about humans... being very...

Human.

A young woman, struggling with her own loss and insecurity, finds a way to stand by an old woman, who is in desperate need. A lonely and broken widow, finds a way through her own sorrow and grief, to impart wisdom, and help secure a future for a young girl, who is a stranger in a strange land. A powerful man who, instead of taking and abusing, chooses to walk in righteousness. A man who stands tall to defend, protect, and take up the battle of the widow and the orphan.

..."Wait my daughter, until you learn how the matter turns out, for the man will not rest, but will settle the matter today." Ruth 3:18

Then suddenly, this brief, seemingly insignificant, 3000 year old snap shot of a few obscure characters, draws to a close. As swiftly as the sand of the ancient middle eastern desert, slipping through our fingers:

So Boaz took Ruth and she became his wife. When they came together, the LORD made her conceive, and she bore a son. then the women said to Naomi, "Blessed be the LORD, who has not left this day without next-of-kin; and may His name be renowned in Israel! Ruth 4:13-14

And I am struck with the utter plainness, of a few ordinary people, who found themselves swept into the very center - of God's Extraordinary story.

Maybe Naomi was right after all.

Now these are the descendants of Perez: Perez became the father of Hezron, Hezron of Ram, Ram o fAmminadab, Amminadab of Nahshon, Nahshon of Salmon, Salmon of Boaz, Boaz of Obed, Obed of Jesse, and Jesse of David.
Ruth 4:18-21

Ordinary People (Part 1)

2010-10-30T12:53:00.009-04:00

In the book of Ruth there is a famine which causes Naomi, along with her husband and two sons, to leave their home and go to a foreign land. This land was...strange. A strange land, filled with strange people, who worshiped strange gods, and had a rather sketchy history with Israel. Over the course of time, Naomi's husband and both sons die and she is left alone here.

A devastating, terrifying situation for a woman at this point in history.

Naomi's only hope is to return to her own land and family. According to custom, her widowed daughters-in-law should return to their families in (desperate) hope of finding new husbands. One daughter-in-law chooses to stay with Naomi and journey to Bethlehem. Here, much of the focus in this story shifts to Ruth, but I'd like to stay with Naomi for a bit...

This is what Naomi has to say about the fate that has befallen her:

Even if I thought there was hope for me...(Ruth 1:12) It has been far more bitter for me than it has for you, because YAHWEH has turned against me. (1:13) Call me no longer Naomi (pleasant), call me Mara (bitter), for the Almighty has dealt bitterly with me. I went away full, but the LORD has brought me back empty; why call me Naomi when Yahweh has dealt harshly with me, and the Almighty has brought calamity on me? (1:20-21)

God and Pain.

There's an odd thing about today's Christian and pain - we're really uncomfortable "blaming" God. We want to divorce God from pain. We spend a lot of time analyzing where God is when it hurts, or why bad things happen to good people. But in the end, ultimate blame is attributed to sin, or Satan or a fallen world...

Naomi knew nothing of this.

In Naomi's time - and long, long before Naomi's time - all ancient people believed that "gods" were responsible for everything. There was no such thing as an atheist, or an agnostic, or a distant god. The question was never IF there was a god, or WOULD a god intervene - there was only one question; WHICH god.

Maybe this concept is difficult for us because we have much more knowledge of the workings of the universe. Or maybe it's because we are so self-sufficient and self-reliant. Maybe we dismiss the world view of the ancients as incomplete because this kind of thinking brings God very...very...

near.

Naomi lived out of a belief system that said:
Yahweh, the One True God, All Powerful, All Present, Creator of heaven, earth and all of the universe, has WILLED and DESIGNED my life to be a journey of hunger, pain, loss, fear, insecurity and instability.

What if she is right?

Oh...THAT IS funny! (i think)

2010-04-29T07:46:00.009-04:00

Jonah 1:17 & 2:10
But the LORD provided a large fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights...Then the LORD spoke to the fish, and it spewed Jonah out upon the dry land.

There are many different ways to respond to "incidents" like this in the the bible:

1. The 100% Literal approach - The Bible says it, I believe it, end of discussion!
2. The philosophical approach - This may be a metaphorical illustration of death or death to self...
3. The analytical approach - Do you realize that a Sumerian mythological text views the underworld as being a three-day journey from the land of the living?
4. The intellectual approach - It has been proven that it is possible for a human to survive inside of a whale, the whale may not even have swallowed him, I saw it on discovery channel!
5. The ostrich approach - I don't get it. I'm going to brush past this part as quickly as possible and try to get to the "real" point of the scripture.

Maybe our methods of reading the scripture say a lot more about who we are, than who God is.

When I read this passage about Jonah and the BIG FISH... I laugh... out loud! I can't help but ask; God....Whats up with THAT??? (seriously, is this a joke?)

God's given us this incredible rich history of Him and His love for us, close to a couple of thousand years of documented relationship between Him and humans. He's given us The Bible - His Word to us, everything we need... to KNOW Him. We're supposed to read it. Then He puts in stuff like people living inside of big fish for 3 days.

If You want us to KNOW You, why do You throw in stuff that You KNOW we don't get?!!

As I laugh, I sense that God is laughing with me.

Yeah, I don't get it.

There is so much about God that I will never get. I will try every approach I know to pin Him down, hem Him in, conform Him to MY ideas,...and He will always be bigger, and beyond and more than I can comprehend or imagine.

Yeah, I don't get it ... isn't that great! :)

Justice and Righteousnes according to "The Prophets"

2010-03-20T12:54:00.006-04:00

We have a tendency to think that it is only in our time that what is right, what is true, what is eternal - seems to be filled with ambiguity, questions of relativity, and outright & outrageous defiance. We often think or feel that there may be a way of going back to a simpler time when the line between right and wrong was well defined.

I find tremendous comfort in knowing that the pain and confusion that each of us struggle with when confronting the brokenness in our own lives, relationships, and in the world as a whole, has been shared through the ages by great men of God, and is resonating from the heart of God Himself.

"...Righteousness is not just a value; it is God's part of human life, God's Stake in human history. Perhaps it is because the suffering of man is a blot upon God's conscience; because it is in relations between man and man that God is at stake. Or is it simply because the infamy of a wicked act is infinitely greater than we are able to imagine? People act as they please, doing what is vile, abusing the weak, not realizing that they are fighting God, affronting the divine, or that the oppression of man is a humiliation of God.

The universe is done. The greater masterpiece still undone, still in the process of being created, is history. For accomplishing HIS grand design, God needs the help of man. Man is and has the instrument of God, which he may or may not use in consonance with the grand design. Life is clay, and righteousness the mold in which God wants history to be shaped. But human beings, instead of fashioning the clay, deform the shape.

The world is full of iniquity, of injustice and idolatry... But God needs mercy, righteousness; His needs cannot be satisfied in the temples, in space, but only in history, in time. It is within the realm of history that man is charged with God's mission.

Justice is not an ancient custom, a human convention, a value, but a transcendent demand, freighted with divine concern. It is not only a relationship between man and man, it is an act involving God, a divine need...It is not one of His ways, but in all His ways. Its validity is not only universal, but also eternal independent of will and experience.

People think that to be just is a virtue, deserving honor and rewards; that in doing righteousness one confers a favor on society. No one expects to receive a reward for the habit of breathing. Justice is as much a necessity as breathing is, and a constant occupation."
~Abraham J. Heschel, THE PROPHETS p. 253

Isaiah 28:15-18
15 Because you have said, "We have made a covenant with death, and with Sheol we have an agreement; when the overwhelming scourge passes through it will not come to us; for we have made lies our refuge, and in falsehood we have taken shelter"; 16therefore thus says the Lord God, See I am laying in Zion a foundation stone, a tested stone, a precious cornerstone, a sure foundation: "One who trusts will not panic." 17And I will make justice the line, and righteousness the plummet; hail will sweep away the refuge of lies and waters will overwhelm the shelter. 18Then your covenant with death will be annulled, and your agreement with Sheol will not stand; when the overwhelming scourge passes through you will be beaten down by it.

Hammers and Lobotomies and Stuff

2009-10-14T05:02:00.007-04:00

I wonder if I'm the only person who feels more guilty and condemned when I read the New Testament, then when I read the Old? I am much more comfortable with the stumblers of the Old Testament, who are always falling and failing, and clinging to the coat tails of God's mercy. The people who murder, worship idols, and do things that are abhorrent in the eyes of God ... and get disgusted, throw temper tantrums, feel sorry for themselves and whine. Sometimes all that peace, joy and love in the New Testament feels like a hammer beating me over the head.

That's what I'm supposed to look like?

I've got a long way to go.

Aren't Good Christians SUPPOSED to be full of love, peace, joy and gratitude? I think I hear more about trying to achieve this, or the expectation that a Christ-follower should look like this, than anything else. It is the hammer I beat myself over my own head with - and also the hammer I hear swung often, from outside of the Church.

Philippians 4 almost reads like a road map. This is the goal - to have peace in all circumstances. Rejoice and Pray and by God's grace you will have it...if that doesn't work, think good thoughts.

Is it really intended to be a directive on the ultimate Christian attitude? Am I supposed to be walking around in some sort of Shangri-la state of mind, living in a peaceful fog, with a smile on my face, regardless of my circumstances?

Sounds like a lobotomy.

I wonder if a lot of people are just as repelled at the thought of having to become like THIS, if they decide to follow Christ, as they are about having to follow all those rules, or of becoming like the "Christian hypocrites"?

Who really wants to live in Utopia?

So What's it all mean? Where do I fit - in the middle of being fully myself and human - and taking in and living out God's grace, joy and peace? Is the "model" I have in my mind truly accurate? Why is it so hard to keep the new testament from becoming the "New Rule Book"? Why is the word "SHOULD" always popping up in my mind - in between Paul's words?

I always end up with more questions than answers.

Philippians 4:4-9
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say rejoice. Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy or praise, think about these things. Keep on doing the things that you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of Peace will be with you.

God was in this place...

2009-09-15T18:59:00.002-04:00

I've been very honored to be invited to serve in the View Point ministy, though I've found that it leaves less time and focus for my blog here. But every once in a while I come across something that's too good NOT to share!

Some Choice: A no-name God, who has no body, on an unknown mountain, in the middle of an empty wilderness, or a tangible, solid, golden calf you could at lease see and pet...No wonder Aaron consented to make us the calf.

Again and Again we trade infinite wonder for a handful of statue; we barter the limitless Nothing for the short-term bird in the hand. And when the deal is done, we have become what we serve: things rather than children of light.

~Lawrence Kushner
God was in this Place & I, i did not know

My New Favorite

2009-07-27T07:52:00.005-04:00

Every time I talk to my friend Kathy about a different Biblical passage I exclaim "This is my Favorite!!" and I really mean it!

I often feel the same way about books (you might be able to tell from my book list)

This is my NEW FAVORITE BOOK of all time (and I'm only on page 8)

Our Father Abraham

Jewish Roots of the Christian Faith

~Marvin R. Wilson

And my NEW FAVORITE QUOTE from my new favorite book

... Paul "Came to understand the Christian life as patterned after that of Judaism: it was for him not the antithesis but the full flowering of that faith." pg. 8

Anyone want to join me?

Just ... No.

2009-06-14T10:29:00.004-04:00

Deuteronomy 3:23-26
At that time I pleaded with the LORD: O Sovereign LORD, you have begun to show to your servant your Greatness and your strong hand. For what God is there on heaven or on earth who can do the deeds and mighty works you do? Let me go over and see the good land beyond the Jordan -the fine hill country and Lebanon. But because of you the LORD was angry with me and would not listen to me. “That is enough,” The LORD said. “Do not speak to me any more about this matter…”

In Exodus (3:1-10) God appears to Moses, through an angel, in a burning bush, and speaks - out loud - to him, for the first time.

In Exodus 3:11 Moses starts arguing with him. (seriously? - come on!)

Right from the start, Moses argues, reasons, and pleads with the LORD. There are number of different reasons for all that “back-talk”. Usually it has something to do with some outrageous sin the Israelites have committed. But not always. He throws himself facedown on the ground and pleads, petitions, argues, implores, reasons, disputes - over and over again.

And YAHWEH listens. He relents. He changes his mind.

Over 40 years, God speaks with Moses, face to face. And Moses is a true servant of God. It’s a relationship that seems almost incomprehensible to me in this time and this place.
And yet, in the end, when Moses is begging God to allow him to go into the promised land…

God says no.

Final word.

No.

The funny thing is, I can't find any solid explanation as to why. The story in Numbers 20:1-13 Doesn’t give me much to go on. The reason for God’s anger is vague, with no clear cause/effect correlation. And here, in Deuteronomy, Moses blames the Israelites. (That’s a whole other blog!)

It makes me wonder about God.

Who is this God who I can approach boldly, honestly, freely? A God who I can lay my life and heart out before. A God who is close, who listens, who is swayed by my petitions and even changes His mind. And yet, sometimes, even when my intentions are as pure as I can possibly make them, my arguments are as sound as they can be, for reasons that I can’t comprehend …

He says no.

It makes me wonder about myself.

What if I were convinced that I could pray hard enough, long enough, discipline myself and my intentions enough, and do everything just right. What if I thought that I could work at “it” and myself diligently, and could figure out just what would make God happy, avoid anything that would make him angry, and be good enough - and then - he would answer all my prayers and petitions with a “yes”…

It makes me wonder.

What Jesus Didn't Say

2009-06-08T07:12:00.009-04:00

Simon, James and John were fishermen.

When Jesus told Simon to drop his nets and catch a few, Simon was skeptical. They had been working all night and hadn't caught a thing. But, he had been listening to Jesus preach for a while, and was highly impressed. So he placed a little faith in Him and gave it a shot.

The results were astonishing.
They caught so many fish it almost sunk two boats.
You would think Simon would be so grateful that he would dance and shout for joy.

But instead, he was overwhelmed with the truth, the reality, of who this man Jesus was...
he fell to his knees in fear and confessed it.

"Go away from me Lord, I am a sinful man"
Luke 5:8

Jesus didn't disagree with him. He didn't slap him on his back and attempt to reassure and inspire him with half (or even whole) hearted platitudes. "No Simon, you're great! you've been patient, you've worked hard, you've prayed hard, you've earned it, you deserve it, enjoy it!"

Jesus allowed Simon to experience gratitude.
That is not of this world.
To embrace the Truth.
Beyond the material.
Deep and Eternal.

...then Jesus said to Simon, "Don't be afraid; from now on you will catch men."
So they pulled their boats up on the shore, left everything and followed Him.
Luke 5:10,11

Simon, James and John were fishermen.

Say what?

2009-05-31T08:12:00.005-04:00

The story of Balaam in Numbers 22-25 is an amazingly powerful account of God's "coming down" and interacting within His people and His creation. There is much more there than I could offer any justice to with a quick summary in this blog....You'll have to read it for yourself!!

One part that struck me today, is a fantastic little account of Balaam's journey, in which he was struggling with hearing direction from the LORD. He is headed down a path that does not please the LORD, to say the least. So the LORD sends an Angel - to actually, physically, block his way.

Balaam just doesn't get it.

He beats his donkey and pushes forward - a couple of times - until the Angel of the LORD (and the donkey, who is seeing things much clearer than Balaam) puts him into a position that he cannot take one more step. At this point the LORD's presence is so powerful that the donkey himself speaks up.

(Yes, you heard me right, the donkey speaks. I suppose you thought Disney had an original idea with Shrek, but Disney has NEVER had an original idea!)

Now, it's pretty easy to get sidetracked by talking donkeys and Angels...it takes my mind off of how much I resemble Balaam.

Always pushing forward with my own way. Forcing my own plans through. Determined that I see the whole picture and am on the right track. Great strategies, even Greater intentions...

How amazing, merciful and loving is our God, who comes close and sends Angels with blazing swords, sets crushing obstacles in our paths, and opens the mouth of donkeys, for our good and His Glory.

If only I would have eyes to see and ears to hear.

Numbers 22:31,32
Then the LORD opened Balaam's eyes, and he saw the Angel of the LORD standing in the road with his sword drawn. So he bowed low and fell face down.

The Angel of the LORD asked him, "Why have you beaten hyour donkey these three times? I have come here to oppose you because your path is a reckless one before me..."

Waiting

2009-05-23T08:03:00.003-04:00

I like answers.
I want to know why.
I want to know how.
I want to know when.
I want the plan.
How are we going to get there from here? What's the tentative time line?
I'll be fine as long as we've got a game plan.

The Israelites were in the desert for over two years working on the LORD's Tabernacle.

That's a tent you know.

It was a pretty intricate endeavor - hammering out all the architecture, rituals, sacrifices, laws and feasts - Getting this motley crew of fugitive's feet set in a direction, where they could even begin to resemble a people set apart by God, was quite the task.

But still, a tent.

And once it was ready, they waited on the LORD to move.

You know what the best part of the story is? Even when they moved...they were still just wandering in the wilderness for another 38 years or so...

Numbers 9:15-23
On the day the tabernacle, the Tent of the Testimony, was set up, the cloud covered it...Whenever the cloud lifted from above the Tent, the Israelites set out; wherever the cloud settled, the Israelites encamped...Whether the cloud stayed over the tabernacle for two days or a month or a year, the Israelites would remain in camp and not set out; but when it lifted they would set out. At the LORD's command they encamped, and at the LORD's command they set out. They obeyed the LORD's order, in accordance with his command through Moses.

Proof

2009-01-14T15:42:00.002-05:00

For a long time, I looked at Jesus' healings as "proof".
As in: If you don't believe Jesus was actually the Son of God - then how did he do all of those magic healings?

Today, something stirs.
Like a soft, quiet breeze rustling through the leaves.
Just enough movement that glimpses of the sun sparkle through.

Jesus Heals.

What does it mean to trust your broken body, broken mind, broken heart, broken soul to the Savior of the World? To lay down all the jagged pieces before the Cross. Before the One who was rejected, despised, broken, abandoned, and slaughtered? To weep at His feet and feel his blood and tears wash over you? What does it mean to be held fast in those arms marked with scars?

Will our pain, sickness and suffering leave us as empty shells, brittle skeletons trying to shore ourselves up on the crutches of our own good works?

Who is this Messiah that heals the sick, mends the broken, comforts the hurting, sets the captive free and raises the dead?

Sometimes those stories from 2000 years ago seem like...stories.

But today, I think I'm beginning to take hold of the Proof.

Mark 5:1-8 (NKJV)
Then they came to the other side of the sea, to the country of the Gadarenes. And when He had come out of the boat, immediately there met Him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit, who had his dwelling amon the tombs; and no one could bind him, not even with chains, because he had often been bound with shackles and chains. And teh chains had been pulled apart by him, and the shackles broken in pieces; neither could anyone tame him. And always, night and day, he was in the mountains and in the tombs, crying out and cutting himself with stones. When he saw Jesus from afar, he ran and worshiped Him. And he cried out with a loud voice and said, "What have I to do with You, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I implore you by God that you do not torment me." For He said to him, "Come out of the man, unclean spirit!"

Mark 5:25-30 (NRSV)
Now there was a woman who had been suffering from hemorrhages for twelve years. She had endured much under many physicians, and had spent all that she had and was no better, but rather grew worse. She had heard about Jesus and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, for she said, 'If I but touch his clothes, I will be made well.' Immediately her hemorrhage stopped; and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease.

Mark 5: 39-42 (NKJV)
Then He came to the house of the ruler of the synagogue, and saw a tumult and those who wept and wailed loudly. When He came in, He said to them, "Why make this commotion and weep? The child is not dead, but sleeping."...Then He took the child by the hand, and said to her, "Talitha, cumi," which is translated, "Little girl, I say to you, arise." Immediately the girl arose and walked...

Mark 6:56 (NRSV)
And wherever he went, into villages or cities or farms, they laid the sick in the market-places, and begged him that they might touch even the fringe of His cloak; and all who touched it were healed.

Translations

2009-01-05T22:00:00.004-05:00

But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles,they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31 (NRSV)

In the NIV this verse talks about "soaring" - I definitely prefer this version.

For a long time, I have carried the belief (hope?) that if I could get close enough to God, then I could soar above the worries of this life. Yes, bad things happen to good people, but I would be so close to God, so filled with the spirit, that peace would descend on me like a dove. After all, isn't that the goal? Peace that passes all understanding. No fear of death and calamity, no more tears, wisdom of the ages, serenity...

I am beginning to wonder.

It doesn't seem that Jesus was trying to arrange His life to result in His ultimate comfort and ease. It doesn't seem He loved well to ensure He would be loved well in return. It doesn't seem He did the next right thing to avoid the consequences of "bad choices". It doesn't seem he behaved responsibly to avoid the pitfalls of rash actions.

It gets muddled after a while. Am I living right as a call to love, or am I trying to ensure my own future security? Some people may think it doesn't matter, as long as you are living right.

I think it does.

I think there is great danger in relying on my own right actions to bring about certain rewards or blessings. I have a tendency to get very impatient when those blessings don't present themselves in a timely fashion or in the proper package. I think there is great danger in assuming that following Christ will bring ease or comfort or escape from pain.

It seems that Christ never took the path of least resistance. He ran full out towards pain, suffering, lonliness, sorrow, sacrifice...

There is a HUGE difference between "Mounting Up" and "Soaring".

Whispers

2008-12-13T08:32:00.004-05:00

I spoke with a co-worker last night about sin and hell and rules and obedience and grace. Tricky conversation, dashing in and out of the kitchen. Things are left unsaid, unexplored...

Much of my journey, since I made the decision to follow Christ, has been marked by obedience. Often obeying without any real sense of "why". Obeying because someone, a pastor, a counselor, a mentor, a friend, an author, someone who was farther along in their journey then I was in mine, said..."If you want to follow Christ, then do THIS, because THIS is what it looks like to follow Christ." And in spite of my doubts, fears, lack of understanding, confusion and general rebellion towards authority...I took a step.

There are numerous theological and psychological theories and explanations which could clarify how this action brought about change in my life, I'm going to stick with this...

I think that often the things that are shouting in our life are so loud that we can't hear God whispering to us. For me, the things that shouted the loudest were completely entangled and rooted in fear, self-reliance and rebellion. Every time I allowed myself to loosen my grasp, my clutch, in even the smallest way, on those ideas and behaviors that were not rooted in Christ...

I could hear this faint whisper...
Come Closer...Come Closer...Trust me...

Trust me with your time. Trust me with your money. Trust me with your job. Trust me with your home. Trust me with your family. Trust me with your children. Trust me with your body. Trust me with your heart. Trust me with your Soul. Trust me with your life.
Trust me. Come close enough to hear My secret. The secret of the Ancient of Days, of Hidden Wisdom and Mystery, Of a Chosen People, of Saints and Generations, of the Beginning and the End.

Closer.
Closer.
I shouted it once on the Cross, but now I want you to be very still and hear...

Before you could discern the faintest sound of my voice muffled by the wind
Before you caught a glimpse of My Splendor from the corner of your eye
Before you had the awareness to turn your head to the sound in the distance
Before you felt a hint of my warmth on your face
Before you turned your feet
Before you had the strength to take a single step
Before you could fathom the desire of your heart
Before you were capapble of even uttering the word
love...

I knew you. I loved you. First.
Psalm 139:1-16
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all of my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, to lofty for me to attain. where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say "surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day for darkness is as light to you. For you created my innermost being: you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Temptation

2008-11-01T08:58:00.003-04:00

I find myself tempted to think about "steps."
How did I get here from there?

There's always a temptation to hold onto the way, rather than to hold onto Jesus.

Israel was given a way. A way to return to trust and dependence on the One True God.
Isreal, like many religions, and like me, gave into the temptation to rely on themselves and their way. They lost sight of the God who created them. They lost sight of the God who created the way.

The truth is, everyone has a next step towards Christ.
Whatever that step may be, God is faithful.
YHWH meets us in Grand and Miraculous ways.
My desire is to abandon myself to the reality that:

ALL I can do is take one more step.

For I delight in the Law of God in my inmost self, but I see in my members another law at war with the laws of my mind, making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?
Romans 7:22-24

But if Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead will give life to your mortal bodies also through His Spirit that dwells in you. So then, brothers and sisters, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh - for if you live according to the flesh you will die; But if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God.
Romans 8:10-14

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:37-39

Good Night

2008-10-29T21:22:00.003-04:00

We stayed home tonight.

We raked the yard, had dinner and visited my grandmother in the nursing home. I talked to my mom and dad on the phone. Alexa baked brownies. Anthony and Aidan played a video game together. We all laughed at a story Alexa and Anthony told about a girl at school. Aidan told us about his field trip to the corn maze, not so funny, but very muddy...which is even better for as far as he's concerned.

OK, one kid got grounded from tv. for being hateful, and one made sure we all knew how incredibly stupid he thinks raking is...we don't live in Mayberry.

But, as everyone heads off for bed, I sit with tears of gratitude. God is good, God is faithful, I am blessed.

Tonight did not happen out of the blue. Tonight did not happen because we're lucky. Tonight was a result of steps. Baby steps. One after another, walking towards Jesus. Eyes locked on the face of love, the face of grace and forgiveness. While I teetered along, barely able to keep my balance, and before I could even stand, when all I could manage to do was turn my head to his voice ....

Jesus was running, arms outstretched, racing to embrace me.

The God of Creation. The God of Abraham, Isaac and Moses. The God of Miracles. The God who delivers. The God who saves. The God who heals. The God who sees me. The same yesterday, today and forever.

God came to me.

It was a good night.

My Story

2008-09-13T06:21:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about "my story" lately. I am always hesitant to share it. I have fear, that I will put people off, that it will serve more to separate than connect. And yes, probably still, the fear that if you really knew the truth about me you would run away. Fast.

This morning I read Ephesians 3. It speaks to me about the mystery of grace and transformation. Not so much about personal transformation but about being transformed from an orphan in the world and being adopted into God's family. Jews, Gentiles, Saints, Sinners, past and present, living and dead - coming together, through Christ, into a Family of Believers. And it seems that the whole focal point of Paul's prayer,

is for us to get it.

To take in the incomprehensible love and acceptance that can not be earned or deserved, that is not contingent upon how well I follow the rules or whether or not I make "something of myself" in this life. That is there regardless of my past, present or future failures. There is something more, something deeper, a promise that rejection by the world, is not the end. There is love and relationship that is unlike anything I have experienced. And all Paul is really asking,

is for me to get it.

Ephesians 3:14-21

For this reason I kneel before the Father,

From whom His whole Family in heaven and on earth derives it's name.

I pray that out of His glorious riches

He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit

in your inner being,

so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.

And I pray that you,

being rooted and established in love,

may have power, together with all the saints,

to grasp how wide and long and high and deep

is the love of Christ,

and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-

that you may be filled to the measure

of all the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do

immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,

according to His power

that is at work within us,

to Him be the Glory in the Church

and in Christ Jesus

throughout all generations,

for ever and ever!

Amen

"SO BIG!"

2008-09-06T07:02:00.004-04:00

Rob Wegner has been teaching about fear in the last two weekend services. In, particular, about how God is "So big" to hold our life, death and future in His Hands. It's hard to grasp.

I've had this picture in my head since I was a child of the God who's "Got the whole world in his hands" (I'm not sure if it came from church...maybe a Coke commercial?). The image is of the hand of God cupped around the globe like one would hold a small rubber ball. God is so big, so huge, and his eyes are so far away-how does he see me? His hand is so large and strong-He could crush us all. Can He really keep track of us scurrying around down here like ants? This big God, was not comforting or knowable to me.

Now, as an adult, I am intentional about spending my time and shifting my focus so that I can see God with adult eyes, so that I can be in relationship with God as an "adult child". My prayer and spiritual disciplines are an effort to know and commune with God in reality - His reality - not mine. And oddly enough, it brings me back to a childhood experience.

I remember laying out in the middle of the field behind my grandmother's house.
A tree branch swaying in the breeze in the corner of my eye.
The wind rustling softly through the grass.
Clouds rolling lazily across the clear summer sky.
The warmth of the sun embracing me.
Cicadas and the chirping birds swimming in my ears.
The sweet smell of honey suckle and lilacs filling my senses.
And the Earth...pressed hard against my back.

For a moment...Vertigo.
I'm not sure if it is the clouds that are moving, or the earth.
For a moment...I cannot tell If I am connected to the earth or connected to the sky.

I realize that the rocky, bumpy surface beneath me is THE EARTH.
That I am touching the entire earth, and everything on it, as much as I possibly can, from head to toe. I can press myself into it, stretch my arms and legs as wide as they will go, turn over and dig in and inhale it, reach and grasp to take as much of it in as possible, rest in it's enormity, relax and take comfort in the strength of it's solidness...But it will always be THE EARTH and I will only be able to take in what is humanly possible.

And now...as an adult...I wonder if knowing God is like that?

I wonder if my endeavor as a human, is to see God as far as my eyes can see...to hear God as clearly as my ears can hear...to know God as well as my mind can comprehend...to feel God's presence as intimately as my heart can receive Him.

Always with the understanding that He is so much more.

He is "SO BIG".

Politics

2008-08-30T11:50:00.003-04:00

The following is an excerpt of an article by written by Cameron Strang in this month's issue of Relevant Magazine. Which, btw, is more than worth the very reasonable subscription price!

"...I've realized I cannot fully embrace either political party. Both sides of the aisle have some great ideas and goals. But both also have areas where they simply get it wrong...I also know that, historically, real, lasting change has started first at the grassroots level long before it was ever legislated. Cultural mindshifts influence Washington, not the other way around...Are the government leaders we vote for meant to do our job for us?

If God has given you a heart for the poor, or to see a reduction in the number of abortions, or to promote peace, or to help the sick or to stand for strong moral values, or to be a better steward of the enviornment, than your personal focus needs to be on that-whether or not the President shares your same values...

Could it be that the loss of religious freedoms would ultimately be the best thing for American Christians because it would cause us to stand on our own feet rather than relying on the government to legislate our faith and values for us?

I've heard that only 5 percent of people who attend church reglularly actually serve in any way. I've read that if every Christian in America actually tithed 10 percent of their income, we would have enough financial resources to wipe out global poverty. There's more power lying dormant in pews around the nation than any government could hope to provide...

Christians should be focused on personal action regardless of legislation, not just waiting for the right number of Supreme Court Justices to come along...

Vote your convictions and let your voice be heard...But don't let politics breed division, or make you see people in a different light...

If you have a passion for an issue, rather than judging someone who doesn't share that passion or viewpoint, just go do something about it. Give your life to it. Be the change you want to see...

Remember that our leaders and Country do not define us.
It's not up to Washington it's up to us-and I say we step up and lead the charge...with our lives, our finances and our actions every day.
Not just Nov. 4"

Yeah! What he said!!!
And that was only the editorial page!

This may be the last time I chime in on politics this election season...or maybe not.

Let Me tell You about My Son!

2008-08-16T22:13:00.003-04:00

Anthony is 17 years old. He is a highly intelligent young man with a quick, sharp-witted sense of humor. A practical joker, he keeps me laughing all the time. He is well mannered and considerate and respectful of other peoples feelings and beliefs. He is an independent thinker, and will not settle for easy, cookie-cutter answers. He is a non-conformist. He can spot a hypocrite or phony a mile away. He cares about his friends and family and his future. Of course, being his mother, I could go on and on.

Him and I had a conversation earlier today in which he posed this question to me...
"What's the difference between smoking pot and eating McDonald's?"
(Did I mention that I love him?!)

My answer was:
Nothing.

Of course, smoking pot has, what seem to be, more dramatic consequences than eating McDonalds...However, I think Anthony and I are both in agreement that "sin is sin". Anything that we do in opposition to God's will, God's order, God's command, is sin. I think it is our desperate need to rationalize our own sin that causes us to begin to make classifications.

Like...
Gossiping about my neighbor is not AS BAD as killing my neighbor.
Judgement and hate are not AS BAD as Abortion or Prejudice.
Heterosexual sin is not AS BAD as homosexual sin.
Polluting the earth is not AS BAD as polluting the mind with...
(whatever it is you think the youth of today are polluting their minds with)
Filling our bodies with junk food is not AS BAD as smoking pot.

I'm so glad that Anthony is thinking, questioning, willing to explore what he believes and why. I'm glad that he will not settle for an empty, rootless faith. I believe that in time, he will find the answer he's looking for. I believe he will come to the inevitable conclusion that there is one constant truth and order for all of the earth. The unshakable truth of the living God of creation who is close and active in our lives.

And did I mention that I love him?

John 8:7
...If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone...

Extra Chores

2008-08-13T22:31:00.003-04:00

Tuesday is "Chore Day" at my house. A good time is had by all. This particular Tuesday was especially enjoyable as my two younger children not only spent the entire morning complaining about having to do chores (as if we don't do it every week), but also fighting and bickering with each other. I was listening to them from the kitchen (where I was doing the laundry-without complaint). They were being downright hateful to each other, it was getting ugly, over...seriously...who was going to take the first shower. I couldn't help but laugh quietly to myself because it was just so silly and because I was in possession of some information which neither of them were aware of. Namely, that I had already decided, based on the scheduling needs of everyone in the house, exactly what order children would be taking their showers in.

So, because I am a kind, loving mother, I decided to bring them into the living room and inform them... that would solve everything. I gently called to them so that I could impart my generous wisdom upon them. I had the entire speech planned out and I felt confident that once my little angels were apprised of the situation, peace and joy would be restored to the household. In my mind it looked something like this...

My dear, beloved children, cease your strife and arguing! It is to no avail. For I, your loving and wise mother, will reveal my will for you. I hold the key to your future plans and I have predetermined the shower schedule for the day. I have a plan, it's a good plan, a plan to prosper you, not to harm you. A plan to bring order and peace to the entire household. Trust in me. Do the work of your hands with diligence and pride, and be loving toward each other as I have loved you...

Here's what it really looked liked...
HE said this!!! SHE called me that!!! HE did this!!! SHE threw that!!! He ALWAYS gets his way!!! She NEVER gets in trouble!!! IT'S NOT FAIR!!! I HATE him/her!!!...and on...and on...and on...

I quietly backed out of the room - They didn't even notice that I had left.

I went back to folding my laundry and listening. There was a lot more going on than an urgent desire for cleanliness. There were past hurts and slights, feelings of injustice and inequality, laundry lists of old injuries and insults, and a desperate, clutching need to be vindicated. To be right. Because somehow, the one who is right is the one who matters.

And I thanked God.

Because that very morning, I had prayed for insight and wisdom into my own "difficult" relationships. And I felt compassion for my children, and for myself, and for the people in my life that I struggle to show love to, even though I feel love for them.

Sometimes, I get so caught up in past hurts and slights, feelings of injustice and inequality, laundry lists of old injuries and insults and the desperate, clutching need to be vindicated. To be right. Because somehow, if I am right, than I will matter.

And sometimes, as a newly committed Follower of Christ, words like...submission, and serve, and meekness become a hammer that someone who is NOT Christ uses to pound guilt into my soul. And I get confused and think that submission is about a person.

I want to remember that my God is a Mighty, Sovereign God. My God holds not only my life and future, but the future of the world, in His hands. Every person matters to God. My mind cannot conceive the plan's of God. I want to be willing to humble myself before the God of the Universe and freely concede that sometimes I don't get to win, and sometimes I don't get to know why.

And He made known to us the mystery of His Will according to His good pleasure, which He purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fullfillment-to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one Head, even Christ. In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will.
Ephesians 1:9-11

In case you're wondering, the innocent little darlings eventually got a little too willful. And received the blessing of discipline in the form of extra chores. I don't know if they learned a lesson from that, but I got the back porch and patio swept and cleaned, and all the sticks and twigs removed from the yard (2 acres)...all things work together for good!

More or Less?

2008-08-12T00:21:00.004-04:00

I know what it is like to feel that God is far away. Unreachable, unattainable. I know what it feels like to ask and not receive, to seek and not find. I know how it feels to wonder..."What am I doing wrong, why can't I find you?" I know how it feels to try, and try, and try...to get to Jesus... and feel like he is slipping farther away. A huge riddle, the kind that when the punch-line comes I can't believe I couldn't figure it out sooner...
but the punch-line never comes.

I know how it feels.

And I can't help but think that the Disciples, who were living and walking with Jesus, felt the same way. It's easy in hindsight, to think that the Disciples and the Jewish people were all terribly simple minded because Jesus was right there and they just didn't see it, or get it.

But I think, that they were very human.

And I think, that after Jesus was crucified and resurrected and the Apostles lay the groundwork for the "Church"...this amazing new Christ-Centered movement... It is easy, again in hindsight, to somehow, elevate them from poor, foolish commoners who couldn't see the forest through the trees...
to unreachable, untouchable, perfect Saints.

It's hard to see them clearly, realistically...and it distorts how I see myself. Or maybe it's the other way around? Maybe my view of the disciples is "either-or" because my view of myself is "either-or". Either I'm am hopelessly unworthy of the presence of God and cannot reach Him, or I am or perfect, without struggles, floating around on the clouds somewhere.

I think sometimes my interpretation of the bible, my life and my relationship with God goes a little awry, when I forget that the Saints...were human.

That they lived every day struggling to come to terms with God and Christ and the Holy Spirit, to get closer, to understand more. That the bible is actually a reflection of their struggle. That what the Authors of the bible are doing is wrestling with the Torah and God and the Spirit and the experience of Christ. Praying about it, Discussing it, journaling it, receiving insight, passing it on...and that the very same Spirit of God who was given to them, has not changed.
Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, today and forever (Heb. 13:8).

I am joining in the struggle with the Saints as I pray, read, question, discuss, and draw conclusions and I am not alone in it. Not any more or less alone then Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Peter and Paul.

Is it only because I insist on making them more or less human, that I feel that way?

Is my view that the Authors of the bible have access to some "other", "better" form of the spirit of God than I do, a valid conclusion?

John 14:26
"But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you."

John 16:13
"But when He, the Spirit of Truth, comes, He will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on His own; He will speak only what He hears and He will tell you what is yet to come. He will bring Glory to me by taking from what is Mine and making it known to you. All that belongs to the Father is Mine. That is why I said the Spirit will take from what is Mine and make it known to you."

John 17:17
"Sanctify them by truth; Your word is truth."

Just like Jesus

2008-08-09T09:58:00.002-04:00

I woke up early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep, but that didn't stop me from laying there a good long while and trying. There's always plenty to think about when you're trying to sleep. I thought about this...

I'm almost to the end of the Gospels and Jesus did not give me any clear, direct instructions about parenting. Nothing at all about what kind of music I should allow my kids to listen to or what kind of t.v. and movies they should or shouldn't be watching. Nothing about whether I should keep them really busy in sports and activities or slow them down. And what should I do about bad grades, Internet, the Public School System, sex, drugs, Chores? I really wish He would have mentioned something about chores and disgusting bedrooms. I have so many unanswered questions. What kind of rules? What kind of structure? What kind of schedule? And....

What about the "rest of us"....

I think a lot of people know what I mean when I say that.
The rest of us who are divorced or never married with kids by different dads and moms who are not even considering following Christ. The rest of us who have family members and babsitters that take care of our kids, out of neccesity, and they are not nearly as concerned with our kids becoming good Christians as we are. The rest of us who spent a lot of years raising our kids in homes that looked nothing like the homes that are in all the good parenting books. The rest of us who hurt our kids in anger and ignorance and selfishness...and now we want to switch everything up and tell them Jesus said they can't watch MTV. Even those of us who were "Christians"...but not so much.
The rest of us.

And in all those red letters...nothing.
Not a word about a program to get my kids to love Jesus and be good Christians.

And I'm thinking about some really amazing mothers I know, wisdom and experiences they have shared with me, incredible love they shown me.
And I'm thinking about C.S. Lewis and Kathy Guy.
And I'm thinking about Jesus.

These mothers...Kathy,Heather, Sarah, Kristin, Dawn, Miki...model for me unconditional love, strength and wisdom.
C.S. Lewis and Kathy Guy (with infinite patience on her part) opened my eyes to the reality that often times the problem does not lie in the answer or the lack of an answer...but in the question.

Maybe asking Jesus to show me how to get my kids to love him and be good Christians when they grow up... is the wrong question.

Maybe the question is...
How do I bring Jesus to my kids?
How do I love my children as Jesus has loved me?

And maybe it's not even a question...but a decleration.

I will love my kids as Jesus has loved me, as Jesus loves the world.
I will be Jesus to my children.
I will keep looking in, searching those red letters, not for a plan, but for Jesus.
And I will do this with an honest awareness...
that my children may never choose to follow Jesus themselves.

Just like Jesus.

Matthew 19:14
Jesus said "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them..."

The Way and The Truth and The Life

2008-08-08T20:37:00.011-04:00

I have been reading John 13:31-14:14 over and over again, for days.
In these 22 verses I find so much more that I question, that seems out of reach, than I actually understand. I wonder why I don't just move on. But I am held here, rooted, fixated on a Jesus who is becoming more than a man. More than a prophet, more than a teacher, more than the latest self-help guru, more than a new plan or a new theology...
more than good and nice.

John 13:34,35

"A new command I give you: Love one another.

As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

By this all men will know that you are my disciples,

if you love one another.

John 14:1-14

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me...

You know the way to the place where I am going...

I am The Way and The Truth and The Life...

No one comes to the Father except through me.

If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well.

From now on, you do know Him and have seen Him.

...Anyone who has seen Me has seen the Father...

I am in the Father and the Father is in me.

The words I say to you are not just my own.

Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work.

Believe Me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me...

I tell you the Truth.

Anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing.

He will do even greater things than these...

Because I am going to the Father.

And I will do whatever you ask in My Name,

so that the Son may bring Glory to the Father

You may ask me for anything in My Name, and I will do it."

Here is Jesus.
Not a nice guy with a plan to get us all to Heaven...
Heaven touching Earth.
Here is Jesus.

Not a prophet with a vision from God...

God in flesh and blood.

Here is Jesus.

Not an angel among us...

Fully Human and Fully God.

Not a plan, but the plan.

What if it's not just about getting to Heaven,

but about getting to Jesus?

What if we get to Jesus and discover that

The Way has a lot less to do with where we go when we die,

and a lot more to do with embracing...

The fullness of our Humanity
and the fullness of our Divinity?

Sunday School Jesus

2008-07-28T10:28:00.006-04:00

The account of Jesus' raising Lazarus from the dead is a powerful, well-known, bible story. I can't read it without memories of the Jesus I met in childhood breaking through.

The Jesus I met in childhood was good and nice and wanted me to be good and nice.
The Jesus I met in childhood had a pale face and looked very feminine and was always tenderly holding a little lamb.
The Jesus I met in childhood was very disappointed, and even cried, when I did something bad.
The Jesus I met in childhood made sick and blind people well, because he was a good and nice.
The Jesus I met in childhood brought dead people back to life...because he was really God. (?)
The Jesus I met in childhood loved me so much that he died so I could go to heaven and live with him forever.

Then everything will be good and nice.

So it's hard, when reading through the re-telling of Lazarus' resurrection, to pull my mind away from the focus on Jesus' divinity. My thoughts want to zero in on the Jesus who has magic, Godly powers to raise the dead, who has magic, Godly powers to fly me off to heaven. So I read it very slowly, and then re-read it.

John 11:3
So the sisters sent word to Jesus, "Lord, the one you love is sick."
The sisters are Mary and Martha. Jesus has stayed in their home. Mary sat at his feet and learned from him, she perfumed his feet with oil. Martha cooked and cleaned for him and served him. Jesus did not just love them because he wanted them to go to heaven, he was in relationship with them.

I have'nt heard of an account that details what Jesus did with his life from around the age of 12 until around the age of 30. Was he preparing for his ministry, secluded, praying and studying the Torah day and night, communing with God, and being holy? I'm thinking, based on what information I do have of him, probably not. I think, more than likely, he was doing life. He was living and experiencing life as a fully human, first century Jewish man. In relationship with family and friends, doing the work of his hands, attending feasts and festivals, loving and being loved, preparing for his ministry, praying and studying the Torah, communing with God and being holy.

John 11:5,6
Jesus loved Mary and her sister and Lazarus. Yet when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days.
The Jesus of my childhood didn't walk, he floated, he was above it all. He always had a secret "Mona Lisa" smile. Nothing phased him (except naughty children), because he knew in the end it was all for the glory of God.

What must it have been like for Jesus the man? To stay away, while those he loved were dying and heartbroken. Was it agonizing for him? Did he suffer knowing that Mary and Martha were not only grieving the loss of their brother, but quite probably feeling appalled and betrayed that their close friend, who had the power to save, chose to stay away, ministering to and teaching others? Did he feel physically ill at the thought of Lazarus suffering the pain of sickness, death and decay? And yet..."for God's glory, so that God's Son may be glorified through it." (John 11:4)
he stayed away.

John 11:8
"But Rabbi," they said, "a short while ago the Jews tried to stone you, and yet you are going back there?"
When focused on the drama of Lazarus' death and resurrection, my mind tends to down play the background, the setting, the timing. This is near the end of Jesus' life. He is becoming more and more a target of the Jewish leaders and Pharisees. Was he not afraid? Is it possible for any fully human man to not experience fear of such a thing? But he still had work to do. Knowing that every step closer to Jerusalem was a step closer to torture and death. He chooses to go. Not in a mad emotional panic to bring his dead friend back to life. But walking through the fear, with purpose and determination. And in so doing, not only drawing more followers to himself, but also drawing more zealous attention from the Pharisees, and sealing his own death sentence.

John 11:35
Jesus wept.

What If...

2008-07-23T06:44:00.007-04:00

I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life. I tell you the truth, a time is coming and has now come when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God and those who hear will live.
John 5:24,25

Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.
John 6:54

Once, having been asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, Jesus replied, "The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say, 'Here it is,' or 'There it is,' because the kingdom of God is within you.
Luke 17:20,21

Jesus said, "It is finished." with that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.
John 19:30

For a couple of months now, whenever I come across passages, such as these, in the bible, I pause. Words stand out to me. I write them down and allow them to roll around in my mind, God is talking to me.

Eternal life...Time is coming...Has now come...Last day...Kingdom of God...It is finished.

In the summer of 2000, I was baptised for the second time. (I have been baptised three times, but lets not get stuck on that) I had spent a couple of months going to church, reading the bible and religious materials, and I had come to some conclusions

I needed to be "saved" (fixed might be a better word)
Of all the available options to fix me, Christianity was probably the best because...
Just in case...the whole burning in hell thing.

There were some steps to being fixed:
Sinners Prayer: For me this looked something like - God, I'm unbelievably, unfathomably bad. Badder than even you could probably imagine, but maybe, you could have pity on me? Please help me, fix me. Please, Please help me, Please fix me. Please. Please. Please. (Repeat often, maybe daily, indefinitely)
Baptism: (3 times, I don't need to say any more than that)
Rules: Follow them.
Judgement: Standing in a long line, keeping my fingers crossed that the "blood" really works, when I get to the "Book".
Reward: Heaven, maybe, hopefully, someday (not too soon, please).

That is making light, of the intensely serious subject of salvation. However, it is a fairly accurate portrait, and I'm wondering, am I the only one? Because this is the message that I got, in some form or another, my entire life, from "saved people". And while I will grant, without hesitation, that my reception wasn't the best...I have to ask, "What's up with that?"

Because, recently, Salvation and Heaven and hell, Eternal Life and Last Days, and Kingdom of God...sound like something different.

Like...

What if...the Last Day, was the day Jesus took his last breath on earth?

What if...The Time has already Come, that first Easter morning?

What if...I have already been Raised Up and Crossed over from death to Life?

What if... Judgement already happened, and "It is Finished"?

What if... The Church is the Kingdom of God?

What if...I am the Kingdom of God?

What if...

Perpendicular

2008-07-16T09:01:00.006-04:00

Psalm 112

Praise the Lord

Blessed is the man who fears

the Lord,

who finds great delight in his

commands.

His children will be mighty in

the land;

the generation of the upright

will be blessed.

Wealth and riches are in his

house,

and his righteousness

endures forever.

Even in darkness light dawns

for the upright,

for the gracious and

compassionate and

righteous man.

Good will come to him who is

generous and lends

freely,

who conducts his affairs with

justice.

Surely he will never be shaken;

a righteous man will be

remembered forever.

He will have no fear of bad news;

his heart is steadfast, trusting

in the Lord

His heart is secure, he will have

no fear;

in the end he will look in

triumph on his foes.

He has scattered abroad his gifts

to the poor,

his righteousness endures

forever;

his horn will be lifted high in

honor.

The wicked man will see and be

vexed,

he will gnash his teeth and

waste away;

the longings of the wicked will come to nothing.

Sometimes,

I get so focused on acting upright and righteous. I try really hard to do good, behave well.

Sometimes,

I forget that it's not about acting and trying.

It's about being.

It's about being Upright.

It's about being Righteous.

It's about remembering:

Christ took what was upside down and made it right side up.

Christ took what was wrong and made it right.

In Christ,

I am Upright.

I am Righteous.

I don't have to act or try.

I only have to remember who I am.

Main Entry: righ·teous
Function: adjective 1 : free from guilt or sin

Main Entry: upright
Function: noun 1: the state of being upright : perpendicular

Main Entry: per·pen·dic·u·lar

Function: adjective 1 a: standing at right angles to the plane of the horizon :

exactly upright

How big is big?

2008-07-10T10:26:00.003-04:00

Until the day Samuel died, he did not go see Saul again, though Samuel mourned for him. And the Lord was grieved that he made Saul king over Israel.
1 Samuel 15:35

Samuel mourned and the Lord grieved.

If I read this with a certain perspective, it almost sounds like God is grieving a mistake. But that is really not congruent with what I believe to be true about God, it is not congruent with the God who has shown Himself in my life. Sometimes I come across a passage or a phrase and I feel like I have to make a decision about perspective. Am I going to see God as smaller and more human...or am I going to see God as greater than my mind can conceive?

Grief.

This is a continuation of the story of Saul's fall. Samuel was there from the beginning with Saul. God revealed truth to Samuel about Saul and placed a vision in his heart for Saul. Samuel loved Saul, helped Saul grow, and had huge hopes and dreams wrapped up in him. All with good cause, God had chosen Saul as king, seems like pretty solid ground to stand on... And then, Saul went wrong.

Yeah, I know that feeling.

I think of all the times I pinned my hopes and dreams on things that weren't anywhere near solid, and the times I wrapped myself up in things I thought for sure were going to last, and even the times I was positive God was in it.
And then...it all went wrong.

Samuel had to walk away from Saul, let go of his dreams for Saul...forever.
What happened? Where was God?

God was grieving.

Maybe God was grieving with Samuel.

Maybe God knows something about mourning that I have a hard time accepting.
It is necessary, it is time consuming, it is good.
Pushing away my disappointment and sorrow, covering up my broken heart, trying to put on brave face and move on...Coming up with 3 word band aids that I say with a sigh and a sad smile "God is good"..."God has a plan"...maybe that's not good.

Maybe I don't have to placate God with my "faith".

Maybe I can cry out to God, question God, hurt with God, and He will be there with me.
Maybe He is so big, that I can give Him my broken heart and my broken dreams...

and He won't fix them.

He will sit with me and hold me, and grieve with me.

(Baby) Step One

2008-07-08T06:37:00.009-04:00

The account of Saul's disobedience, and subsequent fall, in 1 Samuel 15, is incredibly powerful. Here is a man who was hand picked and groomed, by God, to rule Israel. A man chosen by God to lead God's chosen nation.

Great Gig.

God is close to Saul throughout this entire process. There is guidance from the prophet Samuel, law set down from Moses, and even revelation from God himself. How can he go wrong? Well, being human and all, Saul has a propensity to go wrong. Saul's story is of full of arrogance, pride, excuses, blame, denial and rationalization. But the thing that strikes me the clearest, is that he "feels" like he is doing good. He knows God said to do things a certain way, but it "seems" to him like his own way is better. He is not blatantly thumbing his nose at God...in his own mind, he presumes, that clear instruction, law and revelation from God, aren't relevant to his circumstance. He has got "good" intentions, and He is doing "good" things.

Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices
as much as in obeying the Voice of the Lord?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
and to heed is better than than the fat of the rams.
1 Samuel 15:22

I wrote this verse down, for the first time, 3 years ago. I was lost. I had lived my entire life doing what "felt" right. I had blown like the winds of a hurricane, through my life, wreaking havoc and destruction on myself and anyone who got too close. I grasped and clutched at anything that "seemed" solid in effort to anchor myself, to no avail. This verse, struck a chord within me.

I learned about God as a child, read the bible, knew bible stories and John 3:16, attended various churches, prayed when desperate and, in general, knew right from wrong. But actual obedience to God, had never seemed relevant. This is the 21st century! We're not living in biblical times, those ancient rules do not "seem" to apply to my life today. Besides, I don't want to do anything just because God says so, I want it to "feel" right, I want my heart to be in it.

I guess I got desperate enough to try anything, no matter how outrageous...even obeying God when it didn't feel right.

If someone were to ask me today, looking back over the past three years, what has "grown" me the most. I could give a list of three. Number 1, is obedience. Every major point of my growth has been rooted in listening to the guidance of incredible followers of Christ and seeking out the truth in scripture and relationship with God.

Obedience is about trust, and it's backwards.

I don't obey because I trust, I obey and I learn to trust.

I don't get to go to heaven because I am obedient...By being obedient, I bring heaven to earth.

It's all Good.

2008-07-03T13:04:00.006-04:00

Leviticus 10:1,2
...They offered unauthorized fire before the Lord, contrary to his command. So fire came out from the presence of the Lord and consumed them and they died before the Lord.

1 Samuel 6:19
But God struck down some of the men of Beth Shemesh, putting seventy of them to death because they had looked into the Ark of the Lord.

Seems Harsh.

Sometimes, when I'm reading the bible, I have to stop and ask God
"What's the deal with that?"
I don't get it. I'm still new at this. It's hard to reconcile infinite love and grace with...

These men...were struck down and died of plague before the Lord.
Numbers 14:37

Maybe I should mind my own business and accept the fact that I'm not God. But, I still have some nagging questions.
Like, how bad do you have to be, to get struck down, personally, by the hand of God?

And I know some people, maybe a lot of people, have similar questions.
If God is so good and loving, then why...???

I don't have an answer.

But, somehow, when I step back from the scripture, far enough back that one instant and one situation begins to fade. The words and verses become blurry and melt into each other, and I no longer see one person or one moment in time, but I get a glimpse of Eternity... The questions become less urgent. And I think of my own moments.

Saturday morning, there were doors slamming in my house, and tear filled shouts of "I hate you mom!" (14 year old girls are a special blessing)
Saturday night, I held the same child in my arms while she was getting stitches.
Last week I had lunch with my dad and my sons.
I sat back, watching them talk and laugh, and remembered stormy days in my childhood with my dad, and stormy days with my boys.
Days, I wish, were not as dark as I recall.
I remember sitting at my own dining room table a couple of years ago.
Everyone in my house was angry, all the time. We were living in the same house, yet so far apart from each other.
My 16 year old son made an offhand remark, and everyone was laughing...for a moment.

My family, going back generations, has known brokenness. There has been anger, hurt, rejection, abandonment, betrayal, failure, sorrow, disappointment and loss. Sometimes, I ask why. Why is it that the people we were created to love, and care for above all others, are the people we hurt the most?
My family, going back generations, has loved. There has been joy, celebration, nurturing, protection, fierce loyalty, forgiveness, laughter, safety, healing and reconciliation. Sometimes, I wonder how. How do we hold on, through so much adversity? The ties seem so fragile.

In the end, there is no answer that is sufficient. There is only the understanding, that it is family, and it is good.

My questions about God's family and God's moments are the same.

Sometimes, I just don't get to know.

But I know that I am His and He is mine.
And sometimes, if I step back far enough, from trying to figure it all out...I feel myself drawn into forever. Where all of creation moves not only towards the Creator, but with and in relation to the Creator.

And it is all Good.

If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.
Romans 14:8

The Secret things belong to the Lord our God...
Deuteronomy 29:1

My Way

2008-06-29T08:59:00.005-04:00

1 Samuel 8:21,22
When Samuel heard all that the people said, he repeated it before the Lord.
The Lord answered "Listen to them and give them a king."

The story of Israel in 1 Samuel 8, resonates within me. They are tired. They want an easy answer, a quick solution. Following an unseen God, hoping in miracles, that seem to come to few and far between, trusting in people who always seem to fail them, the daily grind...chips away at their Faith. It clouds their memories of Grand Deliverance, Pillars of Fire, Parted Seas and Bread from Heaven. They look around at their neighbors...THEY have kings! THEY have gods you can see and touch! THEY have it so good. What about ME?

I wish it were not such a familiar lament.

It's amazingly easy for me to meld into this petulant child. If only I had a husband, or more money, a better job or education, better looks or a better body, respectful kids or a more supportive family, better friends, better connections....The list is endless. Sometimes (more often then I'd like to admit) I even find myself trying to "arrange" it. Take a square peg, and see if I can whittle the corners a little and cram it into a round hole. Just like the toy that toddlers play with, the little shape bucket, they get so frustrated trying to shove that star into the oval space.

There is always a sense of fear and panic.
What if I don't get what I want?
What if in the end, I am empty and alone and bitter...and all the rest of the world is smiling and laughing.

But lately, somewhere underneath all of the struggles and vain attempts to wrestle the world into my box. In the breath between the complaints and whining, comes another question.
What if what I want, isn't enough?
What if, like the Children of Israel, my desperate need for concrete solutions, is blocking the only True Answer?

The God of Abraham, Isaac and Moses, is more than Enough. The God of Miracles is Big Enough. The Determination of a God who Chose a Nation is Strong Enough. The Love of a God who Sees me, is Deep Enough.

And lately, there is another fear.
What if I insist on my own way, one too many times...
and God decides to let me have it?

Psalm 106:20
They exchanged their Glory
for an image of a bull, which eats grass.

Family Stories

2008-06-27T07:18:00.000-04:00

Luke 2:51,52
...But his mother treasured all these things in her heart. And Jesus grew in Wisdom and Stature and in Favor with God and men.

My mother's pregnancy with me, was the worst out of the three. She was sick the entire time and went into premature labor in the 7th month. Her labor began at my grandmother's house when Johnny Carson was getting ready to start (for those of you who don't remember Johnny Carson, he came on at 11:30 pm). My grandmother thought it was a false alarm because it was to soon. But before long, she found herself racing down Thirty-one, blaring her horn, with my mom hanging her head out the window, screaming. By the way, it was the absolute worst, most insane pain anyone has ever experienced, ever. I was born at 12:55am.

There's more to the story. Accounts from family and friends who were a part of my mom's life during her pregnancy with me, Accounts about the weeks I spent in an incubator and how small I was when I finally came home. Accounts of first words, first steps, projectile vomiting, and some crazy (usually naked) escapades as a toddler. The story of my birth and childhood is remembered in the accounts of others.

The story of Jesus' birth and childhood, in the first two chapters of Luke, reminds me of these family stories. It begins with the conception of John the Baptist and ends with a precocious 12 year old in a temple. And while verse after verse could be singled out and examined with awe, read in it's entirety...there is a rhythm and whisper of something mind-blowing.

As I read it, I feel myself drawn in, as if I'm sitting around the living room at Thanksgiving, full and sleepy, with family and friends who are laughing and telling stories.

Do you remember when.....?

Something stirs under the peaceful tranquility of this safe, comfortable, familiar place. My heart beats a little faster, and I take in accounts of angels and visions, shepherds and kings, prophets and wise men. What really takes my breath away, is not how fantastic it all is, but the image of a boy.

A young dark-haired, barefoot boy, around the age of 8 or 10, sitting cross-legged on the floor, full and sleepy, among his family and friends laughing and joking, and someone says....Do you remember when....?

What would it be like to be told our own story and have it include things like...
Do you remember when the angel came? Wasn't it a hoot when Elizabeth got pregnant? Zechariah couldn't believe it! Remember the shepherds and gifts from the wise men? How about running from that evil king?...Do you remember the Star?

or...

"He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David, and He will reign over the House of Jacob forever; His kingdom will never end."
Luke 1:32,33

What would it have been like for this boy who was given a true vision of who God created him to be? Who was told that long before he was conceived or born, he was alive in the mind of God, the entire earth was waiting for him.

I am moved beyond words, stunned by the magnitude, not only of who Jesus is, but something more. There's more to the story. It's my part of the story. It is me...at the foot of the cross. It is me...born of God into a family of saints. It is me...resting in the company of loved ones who are whispering my story....God knew you before you were born, You were born with a purpose, You were meant for greatness...Remember who you are.

The creation waits in eager expectation for the Sons of God to be revealed.
Romans 8:19

My Father's Voice

2008-06-22T21:27:00.000-04:00

Deuteronomy 8:3
...Man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.

There were times during my childhood when my father would sit my brothers and I down at the dining room table on Saturday morning...to read The Bible. It wasn't an optional activity, if friends spent the night, they joined too. Each of us took turns wistfully glancing into the living room at the blank t.v. screen, Saturday morning cartoons were so close, yet so far away.

We started reading Genesis 1:1 and read straight through. Everyone would get their turn, the next week we would pick up where we left off. I don't remember how far we got, much to our relief, my dad was a little inconsistent in his spiritual discipline. I know that my dad has read the bible cover to cover more than once. I know that if you asked me today to recite the names of the first 14 books in order, I could do it without batting an eye. My dad taught me that, I bet his intention was to teach me all 66.

The wonderous thing about this experience, cartoons aside, is that even as a young girl, I was enthralled with the bible. It read like a novel to me, it was mysterious and exciting and I was sure that with each turn of the page something amazing would unfold. I loved the language of the King James Version, and the sound of the words in my father's voice. I was utterly convinced that God was speaking directly to me, and if parts were confusing or I didn't understand, it would all be revealed when we got to the end.

I feel the same, even more so, today.

Throughout my life, much like my father, I have turned and returned to this God-Breathed work, like a lost traveler trying to read a map that has been folded too many times. I know the answers are there, but the tighter I clutch it and the more intently I scrutinize it, the harder it is to see. In frustration and despair, I have given up. At the same time, no matter how lost I get in the distortions, many of which I have created...God reveals himself in the creases. There is always a whisper, a word, a sign, a crossroad, a direction...it is just not possible to open this book without the truth pouring out.

I am learning to rest in the word of God. I'm learning to quit grasping and analyzing and allow God's spirit to come through the pages. I am encountering not only the unfathomable character of Christ, but forming an intimately familiar relationship with him. I am learning who God created me to be and how to love others as I am loved.

I am learning to listen to the voice of my Father.

What I write here will be a reflection of the love of my Fathers. My Father God who created me with intention and purpose and is revealing himself to me in letters and verses. And my dad.

I learned from my dad that God is accessible and knowable. He taught me that God doesn't live in a building, God lives in scripture. He taught me that I am close to Moses and David and Peter and Paul, he showed me how to see myself in the lives of people who lived long ago. We are all woven together in God's story.

My dad opened my heart and inspired my passion for the Living, Breathing Word of God.