Sunday School Jesus

The account of Jesus' raising Lazarus from the dead is a powerful, well-known, bible story. I can't read it without memories of the Jesus I met in childhood breaking through.

The Jesus I met in childhood was good and nice and wanted me to be good and nice.
The Jesus I met in childhood had a pale face and looked very feminine and was always tenderly holding a little lamb.
The Jesus I met in childhood was very disappointed, and even cried, when I did something bad.
The Jesus I met in childhood made sick and blind people well, because he was a good and nice.
The Jesus I met in childhood brought dead people back to life...because he was really God. (?)
The Jesus I met in childhood loved me so much that he died so I could go to heaven and live with him forever.

Then everything will be good and nice.

So it's hard, when reading through the re-telling of Lazarus' resurrection, to pull my mind away from the focus on Jesus' divinity. My thoughts want to zero in on the Jesus who has magic, Godly powers to raise the dead, who has magic, Godly powers to fly me off to heaven. So I read it very slowly, and then re-read it.

John 11:3
So the sisters sent word to Jesus, "Lord, the one you love is sick."
The sisters are Mary and Martha. Jesus has stayed in their home. Mary sat at his feet and learned from him, she perfumed his feet with oil. Martha cooked and cleaned for him and served him. Jesus did not just love them because he wanted them to go to heaven, he was in relationship with them.

I have'nt heard of an account that details what Jesus did with his life from around the age of 12 until around the age of 30. Was he preparing for his ministry, secluded, praying and studying the Torah day and night, communing with God, and being holy? I'm thinking, based on what information I do have of him, probably not. I think, more than likely, he was doing life. He was living and experiencing life as a fully human, first century Jewish man. In relationship with family and friends, doing the work of his hands, attending feasts and festivals, loving and being loved, preparing for his ministry, praying and studying the Torah, communing with God and being holy.

John 11:5,6
Jesus loved Mary and her sister and Lazarus. Yet when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days.
The Jesus of my childhood didn't walk, he floated, he was above it all. He always had a secret "Mona Lisa" smile. Nothing phased him (except naughty children), because he knew in the end it was all for the glory of God.

What must it have been like for Jesus the man? To stay away, while those he loved were dying and heartbroken. Was it agonizing for him? Did he suffer knowing that Mary and Martha were not only grieving the loss of their brother, but quite probably feeling appalled and betrayed that their close friend, who had the power to save, chose to stay away, ministering to and teaching others? Did he feel physically ill at the thought of Lazarus suffering the pain of sickness, death and decay? And yet..."for God's glory, so that God's Son may be glorified through it." (John 11:4)
he stayed away.

John 11:8
"But Rabbi," they said, "a short while ago the Jews tried to stone you, and yet you are going back there?"
When focused on the drama of Lazarus' death and resurrection, my mind tends to down play the background, the setting, the timing. This is near the end of Jesus' life. He is becoming more and more a target of the Jewish leaders and Pharisees. Was he not afraid? Is it possible for any fully human man to not experience fear of such a thing? But he still had work to do. Knowing that every step closer to Jerusalem was a step closer to torture and death. He chooses to go. Not in a mad emotional panic to bring his dead friend back to life. But walking through the fear, with purpose and determination. And in so doing, not only drawing more followers to himself, but also drawing more zealous attention from the Pharisees, and sealing his own death sentence.

John 11:35
Jesus wept.

Perpendicular

Psalm 112

Praise the Lord

Blessed is the man who fears

the Lord,

who finds great delight in his

commands.

His children will be mighty in

the land;

the generation of the upright

will be blessed.

Wealth and riches are in his

house,

and his righteousness

endures forever.

Even in darkness light dawns

for the upright,

for the gracious and

compassionate and

righteous man.

Good will come to him who is

generous and lends

freely,

who conducts his affairs with

justice.

Surely he will never be shaken;

a righteous man will be

remembered forever.

He will have no fear of bad news;

his heart is steadfast, trusting

in the Lord

His heart is secure, he will have

no fear;

in the end he will look in

triumph on his foes.

He has scattered abroad his gifts

to the poor,

his righteousness endures

forever;

his horn will be lifted high in

honor.

The wicked man will see and be

vexed,

he will gnash his teeth and

waste away;

the longings of the wicked will come to nothing.

Sometimes,

I get so focused on acting upright and righteous. I try really hard to do good, behave well.

Sometimes,

I forget that it's not about acting and trying.

It's about being.

It's about being Upright.

It's about being Righteous.

It's about remembering:

Christ took what was upside down and made it right side up.

Christ took what was wrong and made it right.

In Christ,

I am Upright.

I am Righteous.

I don't have to act or try.

I only have to remember who I am.

Main Entry: righ·teous
Function: adjective 1 : free from guilt or sin

Main Entry: upright
Function: noun 1: the state of being upright : perpendicular

Main Entry: per·pen·dic·u·lar

Function: adjective 1 a: standing at right angles to the plane of the horizon :

exactly upright

How big is big?

Until the day Samuel died, he did not go see Saul again, though Samuel mourned for him. And the Lord was grieved that he made Saul king over Israel.
1 Samuel 15:35

Samuel mourned and the Lord grieved.

If I read this with a certain perspective, it almost sounds like God is grieving a mistake. But that is really not congruent with what I believe to be true about God, it is not congruent with the God who has shown Himself in my life. Sometimes I come across a passage or a phrase and I feel like I have to make a decision about perspective. Am I going to see God as smaller and more human...or am I going to see God as greater than my mind can conceive?

Grief.

This is a continuation of the story of Saul's fall. Samuel was there from the beginning with Saul. God revealed truth to Samuel about Saul and placed a vision in his heart for Saul. Samuel loved Saul, helped Saul grow, and had huge hopes and dreams wrapped up in him. All with good cause, God had chosen Saul as king, seems like pretty solid ground to stand on... And then, Saul went wrong.

Yeah, I know that feeling.

I think of all the times I pinned my hopes and dreams on things that weren't anywhere near solid, and the times I wrapped myself up in things I thought for sure were going to last, and even the times I was positive God was in it.
And then...it all went wrong.

Samuel had to walk away from Saul, let go of his dreams for Saul...forever.
What happened? Where was God?

God was grieving.

Maybe God was grieving with Samuel.

Maybe God knows something about mourning that I have a hard time accepting.
It is necessary, it is time consuming, it is good.
Pushing away my disappointment and sorrow, covering up my broken heart, trying to put on brave face and move on...Coming up with 3 word band aids that I say with a sigh and a sad smile "God is good"..."God has a plan"...maybe that's not good.

Maybe I don't have to placate God with my "faith".

Maybe I can cry out to God, question God, hurt with God, and He will be there with me.
Maybe He is so big, that I can give Him my broken heart and my broken dreams...

and He won't fix them.

He will sit with me and hold me, and grieve with me.

(Baby) Step One

The account of Saul's disobedience, and subsequent fall, in 1 Samuel 15, is incredibly powerful. Here is a man who was hand picked and groomed, by God, to rule Israel. A man chosen by God to lead God's chosen nation.

Great Gig.

God is close to Saul throughout this entire process. There is guidance from the prophet Samuel, law set down from Moses, and even revelation from God himself. How can he go wrong? Well, being human and all, Saul has a propensity to go wrong. Saul's story is of full of arrogance, pride, excuses, blame, denial and rationalization. But the thing that strikes me the clearest, is that he "feels" like he is doing good. He knows God said to do things a certain way, but it "seems" to him like his own way is better. He is not blatantly thumbing his nose at God...in his own mind, he presumes, that clear instruction, law and revelation from God, aren't relevant to his circumstance. He has got "good" intentions, and He is doing "good" things.

Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices
as much as in obeying the Voice of the Lord?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
and to heed is better than than the fat of the rams.
1 Samuel 15:22

I wrote this verse down, for the first time, 3 years ago. I was lost. I had lived my entire life doing what "felt" right. I had blown like the winds of a hurricane, through my life, wreaking havoc and destruction on myself and anyone who got too close. I grasped and clutched at anything that "seemed" solid in effort to anchor myself, to no avail. This verse, struck a chord within me.

I learned about God as a child, read the bible, knew bible stories and John 3:16, attended various churches, prayed when desperate and, in general, knew right from wrong. But actual obedience to God, had never seemed relevant. This is the 21st century! We're not living in biblical times, those ancient rules do not "seem" to apply to my life today. Besides, I don't want to do anything just because God says so, I want it to "feel" right, I want my heart to be in it.

I guess I got desperate enough to try anything, no matter how outrageous...even obeying God when it didn't feel right.

If someone were to ask me today, looking back over the past three years, what has "grown" me the most. I could give a list of three. Number 1, is obedience. Every major point of my growth has been rooted in listening to the guidance of incredible followers of Christ and seeking out the truth in scripture and relationship with God.

Obedience is about trust, and it's backwards.

I don't obey because I trust, I obey and I learn to trust.

I don't get to go to heaven because I am obedient...By being obedient, I bring heaven to earth.

It's all Good.

Leviticus 10:1,2
...They offered unauthorized fire before the Lord, contrary to his command. So fire came out from the presence of the Lord and consumed them and they died before the Lord.

1 Samuel 6:19
But God struck down some of the men of Beth Shemesh, putting seventy of them to death because they had looked into the Ark of the Lord.

Seems Harsh.

Sometimes, when I'm reading the bible, I have to stop and ask God
"What's the deal with that?"
I don't get it. I'm still new at this. It's hard to reconcile infinite love and grace with...

These men...were struck down and died of plague before the Lord.
Numbers 14:37

Maybe I should mind my own business and accept the fact that I'm not God. But, I still have some nagging questions.
Like, how bad do you have to be, to get struck down, personally, by the hand of God?

And I know some people, maybe a lot of people, have similar questions.
If God is so good and loving, then why...???

I don't have an answer.

But, somehow, when I step back from the scripture, far enough back that one instant and one situation begins to fade. The words and verses become blurry and melt into each other, and I no longer see one person or one moment in time, but I get a glimpse of Eternity... The questions become less urgent. And I think of my own moments.

Saturday morning, there were doors slamming in my house, and tear filled shouts of "I hate you mom!" (14 year old girls are a special blessing)
Saturday night, I held the same child in my arms while she was getting stitches.
Last week I had lunch with my dad and my sons.
I sat back, watching them talk and laugh, and remembered stormy days in my childhood with my dad, and stormy days with my boys.
Days, I wish, were not as dark as I recall.
I remember sitting at my own dining room table a couple of years ago.
Everyone in my house was angry, all the time. We were living in the same house, yet so far apart from each other.
My 16 year old son made an offhand remark, and everyone was laughing...for a moment.

My family, going back generations, has known brokenness. There has been anger, hurt, rejection, abandonment, betrayal, failure, sorrow, disappointment and loss. Sometimes, I ask why. Why is it that the people we were created to love, and care for above all others, are the people we hurt the most?
My family, going back generations, has loved. There has been joy, celebration, nurturing, protection, fierce loyalty, forgiveness, laughter, safety, healing and reconciliation. Sometimes, I wonder how. How do we hold on, through so much adversity? The ties seem so fragile.

In the end, there is no answer that is sufficient. There is only the understanding, that it is family, and it is good.

My questions about God's family and God's moments are the same.

Sometimes, I just don't get to know.

But I know that I am His and He is mine.
And sometimes, if I step back far enough, from trying to figure it all out...I feel myself drawn into forever. Where all of creation moves not only towards the Creator, but with and in relation to the Creator.

And it is all Good.

If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.
Romans 14:8

The Secret things belong to the Lord our God...
Deuteronomy 29:1