Whispers

I spoke with a co-worker last night about sin and hell and rules and obedience and grace. Tricky conversation, dashing in and out of the kitchen. Things are left unsaid, unexplored...

Much of my journey, since I made the decision to follow Christ, has been marked by obedience. Often obeying without any real sense of "why". Obeying because someone, a pastor, a counselor, a mentor, a friend, an author, someone who was farther along in their journey then I was in mine, said..."If you want to follow Christ, then do THIS, because THIS is what it looks like to follow Christ." And in spite of my doubts, fears, lack of understanding, confusion and general rebellion towards authority...I took a step.

There are numerous theological and psychological theories and explanations which could clarify how this action brought about change in my life, I'm going to stick with this...

I think that often the things that are shouting in our life are so loud that we can't hear God whispering to us. For me, the things that shouted the loudest were completely entangled and rooted in fear, self-reliance and rebellion. Every time I allowed myself to loosen my grasp, my clutch, in even the smallest way, on those ideas and behaviors that were not rooted in Christ...

I could hear this faint whisper...

Come Closer...Come Closer...Trust me...

Trust me with your time. Trust me with your money. Trust me with your job. Trust me with your home. Trust me with your family. Trust me with your children. Trust me with your body. Trust me with your heart. Trust me with your Soul. Trust me with your life.

Trust me. Come close enough to hear My secret. The secret of the Ancient of Days, of Hidden Wisdom and Mystery, Of a Chosen People, of Saints and Generations, of the Beginning and the End.

Closer.
Closer.
I shouted it once on the Cross, but now I want you to be very still and hear...

Before you could discern the faintest sound of my voice muffled by the wind
Before you caught a glimpse of My Splendor from the corner of your eye
Before you had the awareness to turn your head to the sound in the distance
Before you felt a hint of my warmth on your face
Before you turned your feet
Before you had the strength to take a single step
Before you could fathom the desire of your heart
Before you were capapble of even uttering the word
love...

I knew you. I loved you. First.

Psalm 139:1-16
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all of my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, to lofty for me to attain. where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say "surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day for darkness is as light to you. For you created my innermost being: you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Temptation

I find myself tempted to think about "steps."
How did I get here from there?

There's always a temptation to hold onto the way, rather than to hold onto Jesus.

Israel was given a way. A way to return to trust and dependence on the One True God.
Isreal, like many religions, and like me, gave into the temptation to rely on themselves and their way. They lost sight of the God who created them. They lost sight of the God who created the way.

The truth is, everyone has a next step towards Christ.
Whatever that step may be, God is faithful.
YHWH meets us in Grand and Miraculous ways.
My desire is to abandon myself to the reality that:

ALL I can do is take one more step.

For I delight in the Law of God in my inmost self, but I see in my members another law at war with the laws of my mind, making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?
Romans 7:22-24

But if Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead will give life to your mortal bodies also through His Spirit that dwells in you. So then, brothers and sisters, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh - for if you live according to the flesh you will die; But if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God.
Romans 8:10-14

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:37-39

Good Night

We stayed home tonight.

We raked the yard, had dinner and visited my grandmother in the nursing home. I talked to my mom and dad on the phone. Alexa baked brownies. Anthony and Aidan played a video game together. We all laughed at a story Alexa and Anthony told about their day at school. Aidan told us about his field trip to the corn maze, not so funny, but very muddy...which is even better for as far as he's concerned.

OK, one kid got grounded from tv. for being hateful, and one made sure we all knew how incredibly stupid he thinks raking is...we don't live in Mayberry.

But, as everyone heads off for bed, I sit with tears of gratitude. God is good, God is faithful, I am blessed.

Tonight did not happen out of the blue. Tonight did not happen because we're lucky. Tonight was a result of steps. Baby steps. One after another, walking towards Jesus. Eyes locked on the face of love, the face of grace and forgiveness. While I teetered along, barely able to keep my balance, and before I could even stand, when all I could manage to do was turn my head to his voice ....

Jesus was running, arms outstretched, racing to embrace me.

The God of Creation. The God of Abraham, Isaac and Moses. The God of Miracles. The God who delivers. The God who saves. The God who heals. The God who sees me. The same yesterday, today and forever.

God came to me.

It was a good night.

My Story

I've been thinking a lot about "my story" lately. I am always hesitant to share it. I have fear, that I will put people off, that it will serve more to separate than connect. And yes, probably still, the fear that if you really knew the truth about me you would run away. Fast.

This morning I read Ephesians 3. It speaks to me about the mystery of grace and transformation. Not so much about personal transformation but about being transformed from an orphan in the world and being adopted into God's family. Jews, Gentiles, Saints, Sinners, past and present, living and dead - coming together, through Christ, into a Family of Believers. And it seems that the whole focal point of Paul's prayer,

is for us to get it.

To take in the incomprehensible love and acceptance that can not be earned or deserved, that is not contingent upon how well I follow the rules or whether or not I make "something of myself" in this life. That is there regardless of my past, present or future failures. There is something more, something deeper, a promise that rejection by the world, is not the end. There is love and relationship that is unlike anything I have experienced. And all Paul is really asking,

is for me to get it.

Ephesians 3:14-21

For this reason I kneel before the Father,

From whom His whole Family in heaven and on earth derives it's name.

I pray that out of His glorious riches

He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit

in your inner being,

so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.

And I pray that you,

being rooted and established in love,

may have power, together with all the saints,

to grasp how wide and long and high and deep

is the love of Christ,

and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-

that you may be filled to the measure

of all the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do

immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,

according to His power

that is at work within us,

to Him be the Glory in the Church

and in Christ Jesus

throughout all generations,

for ever and ever!

Amen

"SO BIG!"

Rob Wegner has been teaching about fear in the last two weekend services. In, particular, about how God is "So big" to hold our life, death and future in His Hands. It's hard to grasp.

I've had this picture in my head since I was a child of the God who's "Got the whole world in his hands" (I'm not sure if it came from church...maybe a Coke commercial?). The image is of the hand of God cupped around the globe like one would hold a small rubber ball. God is so big, so huge, and his eyes are so far away-how does he see me? His hand is so large and strong-He could crush us all. Can He really keep track of us scurrying around down here like ants? This big God, was not comforting or knowable to me.

Now, as an adult, I am intentional about spending my time and shifting my focus so that I can see God with adult eyes, so that I can be in relationship with God as an "adult child". My prayer and spiritual disciplines are an effort to know and commune with God in reality - His reality - not mine. And oddly enough, it brings me back to a childhood experience.

I remember laying out in the middle of the field behind my grandmother's house.
A tree branch swaying in the breeze in the corner of my eye.
The wind rustling softly through the grass.
Clouds rolling lazily across the clear summer sky.
The warmth of the sun embracing me.
Cicadas and the chirping birds swimming in my ears.
The sweet smell of honey suckle and lilacs filling my senses.
And the Earth...pressed hard against my back.

For a moment...Vertigo.
I'm not sure if it is the clouds that are moving, or the earth.
For a moment...I cannot tell If I am connected to the earth or connected to the sky.

I realize that the rocky, bumpy surface beneath me is THE EARTH.
That I am touching the entire earth, and everything on it, as much as I possibly can, from head to toe. I can press myself into it, stretch my arms and legs as wide as they will go, turn over and dig in and inhale it, reach and grasp to take as much of it in as possible, rest in it's enormity, relax and take comfort in the strength of it's solidness...But it will always be THE EARTH and I will only be able to take in what is humanly possible.

And now...as an adult...I wonder if knowing God is like that?

I wonder if my endeavor as a human, is to see God as far as my eyes can see...to hear God as clearly as my ears can hear...to know God as well as my mind can comprehend...to feel God's presence as intimately as my heart can receive Him.

Always with the understanding that He is so much more.

He is "SO BIG".

Politics

The following is an excerpt of an article by written by Cameron Strang in this month's issue of Relevant Magazine. Which, btw, is more than worth the very reasonable subscription price!

"...I've realized I cannot fully embrace either political party. Both sides of the aisle have some great ideas and goals. But both also have areas where they simply get it wrong...I also know that, historically, real, lasting change has started first at the grassroots level long before it was ever legislated. Cultural mindshifts influence Washington, not the other way around...Are the government leaders we vote for meant to do our job for us?

If God has given you a heart for the poor, or to see a reduction in the number of abortions, or to promote peace, or to help the sick or to stand for strong moral values, or to be a better steward of the enviornment, than your personal focus needs to be on that-whether or not the President shares your same values...

Could it be that the loss of religious freedoms would ultimately be the best thing for American Christians because it would cause us to stand on our own feet rather than relying on the government to legislate our faith and values for us?

I've heard that only 5 percent of people who attend church reglularly actually serve in any way. I've read that if every Christian in America actually tithed 10 percent of their income, we would have enough financial resources to wipe out global poverty. There's more power lying dormant in pews around the nation than any government could hope to provide...

Christians should be focused on personal action regardless of legislation, not just waiting for the right number of Supreme Court Justices to come along...

Vote your convictions and let your voice be heard...But don't let politics breed division, or make you see people in a different light...

If you have a passion for an issue, rather than judging someone who doesn't share that passion or viewpoint, just go do something about it. Give your life to it. Be the change you want to see...

Remember that our leaders and Country do not define us.
It's not up to Washington it's up to us-and I say we step up and lead the charge...with our lives, our finances and our actions every day.
Not just Nov. 4"

Yeah! What he said!!!
And that was only the editorial page!

This may be the last time I chime in on politics this election season...or maybe not.

Let Me tell You about My Son!

Anthony is 17 years old. He is a highly intelligent young man with a quick, sharp-witted sense of humor. A practical joker, he keeps me laughing all the time. He is well mannered and considerate and respectful of other peoples feelings and beliefs. He is an independent thinker, and will not settle for easy, cookie-cutter answers. He is a non-conformist. He can spot a hypocrite or phony a mile away. He cares about his friends and family and his future. Of course, being his mother, I could go on and on.

Him and I had a conversation earlier today in which he posed this question to me...
"What's the difference between smoking pot and eating McDonald's?"
(Did I mention that I love him?!)

My answer was:
Nothing.

Of course, smoking pot has, what seem to be, more dramatic consequences than eating McDonalds...However, I think Anthony and I are both in agreement that "sin is sin". Anything that we do in opposition to God's will, God's order, God's command, is sin. I think it is our desperate need to rationalize our own sin that causes us to begin to make classifications.

Like...
Gossiping about my neighbor is not AS BAD as killing my neighbor.
Judgement and hate are not AS BAD as Abortion or Prejudice.
Heterosexual sin is not AS BAD as homosexual sin.
Polluting the earth is not AS BAD as polluting the mind with...
(whatever it is you think the youth of today are polluting their minds with)
Filling our bodies with junk food is not AS BAD as smoking pot.

I'm so glad that Anthony is thinking, questioning, willing to explore what he believes and why. I'm glad that he will not settle for an empty, rootless faith. I believe that in time, he will find the answer he's looking for. I believe he will come to the inevitable conclusion that there is one constant truth and order for all of the earth. The unshakable truth of the living God of creation who is close and active in our lives.

And did I mention that I love him?

John 8:7
...If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone...

Extra Chores

Tuesday is "Chore Day" at my house. A good time is had by all. This particular Tuesday was especially enjoyable as my two younger children not only spent the entire morning complaining about having to do chores (as if we don't do it every week), but also fighting and bickering with each other. I was listening to them from the kitchen (where I was doing the laundry-without complaint). They were being downright hateful to each other, it was getting ugly, over...seriously...who was going to take the first shower. I couldn't help but laugh quietly to myself because it was just so silly and because I was in possession of some information which neither of them were aware of. Namely, that I had already decided, based on the scheduling needs of everyone in the house, exactly what order children would be taking their showers in.

So, because I am a kind, loving mother, I decided to bring them into the living room and inform them... that would solve everything. I gently called to them so that I could impart my generous wisdom upon them. I had the entire speech planned out and I felt confident that once my little angels were apprised of the situation, peace and joy would be restored to the household. In my mind it looked something like this...

My dear, beloved children, cease your strife and arguing! It is to no avail. For I, your loving and wise mother, will reveal my will for you. I hold the key to your future plans and I have predetermined the shower schedule for the day. I have a plan, it's a good plan, a plan to prosper you, not to harm you. A plan to bring order and peace to the entire household. Trust in me. Do the work of your hands with diligence and pride, and be loving toward each other as I have loved you...

Here's what it really looked liked...
HE said this!!! SHE called me that!!! HE did this!!! SHE threw that!!! He ALWAYS gets his way!!! She NEVER gets in trouble!!! IT'S NOT FAIR!!! I HATE him/her!!!...and on...and on...and on...

I quietly backed out of the room - They didn't even notice that I had left.

I went back to folding my laundry and listening. There was a lot more going on than an urgent desire for cleanliness. There were past hurts and slights, feelings of injustice and inequality, laundry lists of old injuries and insults, and a desperate, clutching need to be vindicated. To be right. Because somehow, the one who is right is the one who matters.

And I thanked God.

Because that very morning, I had prayed for insight and wisdom into my own "difficult" relationships. And I felt compassion for my children, and for myself, and for the people in my life that I struggle to show love to, even though I feel love for them.

Sometimes, I get so caught up in past hurts and slights, feelings of injustice and inequality, laundry lists of old injuries and insults and the desperate, clutching need to be vindicated. To be right. Because somehow, if I am right, than I will matter.

And sometimes, as a newly committed Follower of Christ, words like...submission, and serve, and meekness become a hammer that someone who is NOT Christ uses to pound guilt into my soul. And I get confused and think that submission is about a person.

I want to remember that my God is a Mighty, Sovereign God. My God holds not only my life and future, but the future of the world, in His hands. Every person matters to God. My mind cannot conceive the plan's of God. I want to be willing to humble myself before the God of the Universe and freely concede that sometimes I don't get to win, and sometimes I don't get to know why.

And He made known to us the mystery of His Will according to His good pleasure, which He purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fullfillment-to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one Head, even Christ. In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will.
Ephesians 1:9-11

In case you're wondering, the innocent little darlings eventually got a little too willful. And received the blessing of discipline in the form of extra chores. I don't know if they learned a lesson from that, but I got the back porch and patio swept and cleaned, and all the sticks and twigs removed from the yard (2 acres)...all things work together for good!

More or Less?

I know what it is like to feel that God is far away. Unreachable, unattainable. I know what it feels like to ask and not receive, to seek and not find. I know how it feels to wonder..."What am I doing wrong, why can't I find you?" I know how it feels to try, and try, and try...to get to Jesus... and feel like he is slipping farther away. A huge riddle, the kind that when the punch-line comes I can't believe I couldn't figure it out sooner...
but the punch-line never comes.

I know how it feels.

And I can't help but think that the Disciples, who were living and walking with Jesus, felt the same way. It's easy in hindsight, to think that the Disciples and the Jewish people were all terribly simple minded because Jesus was right there and they just didn't see it, or get it.

But I think, that they were very human.

And I think, that after Jesus was crucified and resurrected and the Apostles lay the groundwork for the "Church"...this amazing new Christ-Centered movement... It is easy, again in hindsight, to somehow, elevate them from poor, foolish commoners who couldn't see the forest through the trees...
to unreachable, untouchable, perfect Saints.

It's hard to see them clearly, realistically...and it distorts how I see myself. Or maybe it's the other way around? Maybe my view of the disciples is "either-or" because my view of myself is "either-or". Either I'm am hopelessly unworthy of the presence of God and cannot reach Him, or I am or perfect, without struggles, floating around on the clouds somewhere.

I think sometimes my interpretation of the bible, my life and my relationship with God goes a little awry, when I forget that the Saints...were human.

That they lived every day struggling to come to terms with God and Christ and the Holy Spirit, to get closer, to understand more. That the bible is actually a reflection of their struggle. That what the Authors of the bible are doing is wrestling with the Torah and God and the Spirit and the experience of Christ. Praying about it, Discussing it, journaling it, receiving insight, passing it on...and that the very same Spirit of God who was given to them, has not changed.
Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, today and forever (Heb. 13:8).

I am joining in the struggle with the Saints as I pray, read, question, discuss, and draw conclusions and I am not alone in it. Not any more or less alone then Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Peter and Paul.

Is it only because I insist on making them more or less human, that I feel that way?

Is my view that the Authors of the bible have access to some "other", "better" form of the spirit of God than I do, a valid conclusion?

John 14:26
"But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you."

John 16:13
"But when He, the Spirit of Truth, comes, He will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on His own; He will speak only what He hears and He will tell you what is yet to come. He will bring Glory to me by taking from what is Mine and making it known to you. All that belongs to the Father is Mine. That is why I said the Spirit will take from what is Mine and make it known to you."

John 17:17
"Sanctify them by truth; Your word is truth."

Just like Jesus

I woke up early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep, but that didn't stop me from laying there a good long while and trying. There's always plenty to think about when you're trying to sleep. I thought about this...

I'm almost to the end of the Gospels and Jesus did not give me any clear, direct instructions about parenting. Nothing at all about what kind of music I should allow my kids to listen to or what kind of t.v. and movies they should or shouldn't be watching. Nothing about whether I should keep them really busy in sports and activities or slow them down. And what should I do about bad grades, Internet, the Public School System, sex, drugs, Chores? I really wish He would have mentioned something about chores and disgusting bedrooms. I have so many unanswered questions. What kind of rules? What kind of structure? What kind of schedule? And....

What about the "rest of us"....

I think a lot of people know what I mean when I say that.
The rest of us who are divorced or never married with kids by different dads and moms who are not even considering following Christ. The rest of us who have family members and babsitters that take care of our kids, out of neccesity, and they are not nearly as concerned with our kids becoming good Christians as we are. The rest of us who spent a lot of years raising our kids in homes that looked nothing like the homes that are in all the good parenting books. The rest of us who hurt our kids in anger and ignorance and selfishness...and now we want to switch everything up and tell them Jesus said they can't watch MTV. Even those of us who were "Christians"...but not so much.
The rest of us.

And in all those red letters...nothing.
Not a word about a program to get my kids to love Jesus and be good Christians.

And I'm thinking about some really amazing mothers I know, wisdom and experiences they have shared with me, incredible love they shown me.
And I'm thinking about C.S. Lewis and Kathy Guy.
And I'm thinking about Jesus.

These mothers...Kathy,Heather, Sarah, Kristin, Dawn, Miki...model for me unconditional love, strength and wisdom.
C.S. Lewis and Kathy Guy (with infinite patience on her part) opened my eyes to the reality that often times the problem does not lie in the answer or the lack of an answer...but in the question.

Maybe asking Jesus to show me how to get my kids to love him and be good Christians when they grow up... is the wrong question.

Maybe the question is...
How do I bring Jesus to my kids?
How do I love my children as Jesus has loved me?

And maybe it's not even a question...but a decleration.

I will love my kids as Jesus has loved me, as Jesus loves the world.
I will be Jesus to my children.
I will keep looking in, searching those red letters, not for a plan, but for Jesus.
And I will do this with an honest awareness...
that my children may never choose to follow Jesus themselves.

Just like Jesus.

Matthew 19:14
Jesus said "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them..."

The Way and The Truth and The Life

I have been reading John 13:31-14:14 over and over again, for days.
In these 22 verses I find so much more that I question, that seems out of reach, than I actually understand. I wonder why I don't just move on. But I am held here, rooted, fixated on a Jesus who is becoming more than a man. More than a prophet, more than a teacher, more than the latest self-help guru, more than a new plan or a new theology...
more than good and nice.

John 13:34,35

"A new command I give you: Love one another.

As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

By this all men will know that you are my disciples,

if you love one another.

John 14:1-14

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me...

You know the way to the place where I am going...

I am The Way and The Truth and The Life...

No one comes to the Father except through me.

If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well.

From now on, you do know Him and have seen Him.

...Anyone who has seen Me has seen the Father...

I am in the Father and the Father is in me.

The words I say to you are not just my own.

Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work.

Believe Me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me...

I tell you the Truth.

Anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing.

He will do even greater things than these...

Because I am going to the Father.

And I will do whatever you ask in My Name,

so that the Son may bring Glory to the Father

You may ask me for anything in My Name, and I will do it."

Here is Jesus.
Not a nice guy with a plan to get us all to Heaven...
Heaven touching Earth.
Here is Jesus.

Not a prophet with a vision from God...

God in flesh and blood.

Here is Jesus.

Not an angel among us...

Fully Human and Fully God.

Not a plan, but the plan.

What if it's not just about getting to Heaven,

but about getting to Jesus?

What if we get to Jesus and discover that

The Way has a lot less to do with where we go when we die,

and a lot more to do with embracing...

The fullness of our Humanity
and the fullness of our Divinity?

Sunday School Jesus

The account of Jesus' raising Lazarus from the dead is a powerful, well-known, bible story. I can't read it without memories of the Jesus I met in childhood breaking through.

The Jesus I met in childhood was good and nice and wanted me to be good and nice.
The Jesus I met in childhood had a pale face and looked very feminine and was always tenderly holding a little lamb.
The Jesus I met in childhood was very disappointed, and even cried, when I did something bad.
The Jesus I met in childhood made sick and blind people well, because he was a good and nice.
The Jesus I met in childhood brought dead people back to life...because he was really God. (?)
The Jesus I met in childhood loved me so much that he died so I could go to heaven and live with him forever.

Then everything will be good and nice.

So it's hard, when reading through the re-telling of Lazarus' resurrection, to pull my mind away from the focus on Jesus' divinity. My thoughts want to zero in on the Jesus who has magic, Godly powers to raise the dead, who has magic, Godly powers to fly me off to heaven. So I read it very slowly, and then re-read it.

John 11:3
So the sisters sent word to Jesus, "Lord, the one you love is sick."
The sisters are Mary and Martha. Jesus has stayed in their home. Mary sat at his feet and learned from him, she perfumed his feet with oil. Martha cooked and cleaned for him and served him. Jesus did not just love them because he wanted them to go to heaven, he was in relationship with them.

I have'nt heard of an account that details what Jesus did with his life from around the age of 12 until around the age of 30. Was he preparing for his ministry, secluded, praying and studying the Torah day and night, communing with God, and being holy? I'm thinking, based on what information I do have of him, probably not. I think, more than likely, he was doing life. He was living and experiencing life as a fully human, first century Jewish man. In relationship with family and friends, doing the work of his hands, attending feasts and festivals, loving and being loved, preparing for his ministry, praying and studying the Torah, communing with God and being holy.

John 11:5,6
Jesus loved Mary and her sister and Lazarus. Yet when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days.
The Jesus of my childhood didn't walk, he floated, he was above it all. He always had a secret "Mona Lisa" smile. Nothing phased him (except naughty children), because he knew in the end it was all for the glory of God.

What must it have been like for Jesus the man? To stay away, while those he loved were dying and heartbroken. Was it agonizing for him? Did he suffer knowing that Mary and Martha were not only grieving the loss of their brother, but quite probably feeling appalled and betrayed that their close friend, who had the power to save, chose to stay away, ministering to and teaching others? Did he feel physically ill at the thought of Lazarus suffering the pain of sickness, death and decay? And yet..."for God's glory, so that God's Son may be glorified through it." (John 11:4)
he stayed away.

John 11:8
"But Rabbi," they said, "a short while ago the Jews tried to stone you, and yet you are going back there?"
When focused on the drama of Lazarus' death and resurrection, my mind tends to down play the background, the setting, the timing. This is near the end of Jesus' life. He is becoming more and more a target of the Jewish leaders and Pharisees. Was he not afraid? Is it possible for any fully human man to not experience fear of such a thing? But he still had work to do. Knowing that every step closer to Jerusalem was a step closer to torture and death. He chooses to go. Not in a mad emotional panic to bring his dead friend back to life. But walking through the fear, with purpose and determination. And in so doing, not only drawing more followers to himself, but also drawing more zealous attention from the Pharisees, and sealing his own death sentence.

John 11:35
Jesus wept.

Perpendicular

Psalm 112

Praise the Lord

Blessed is the man who fears

the Lord,

who finds great delight in his

commands.

His children will be mighty in

the land;

the generation of the upright

will be blessed.

Wealth and riches are in his

house,

and his righteousness

endures forever.

Even in darkness light dawns

for the upright,

for the gracious and

compassionate and

righteous man.

Good will come to him who is

generous and lends

freely,

who conducts his affairs with

justice.

Surely he will never be shaken;

a righteous man will be

remembered forever.

He will have no fear of bad news;

his heart is steadfast, trusting

in the Lord

His heart is secure, he will have

no fear;

in the end he will look in

triumph on his foes.

He has scattered abroad his gifts

to the poor,

his righteousness endures

forever;

his horn will be lifted high in

honor.

The wicked man will see and be

vexed,

he will gnash his teeth and

waste away;

the longings of the wicked will come to nothing.

Sometimes,

I get so focused on acting upright and righteous. I try really hard to do good, behave well.

Sometimes,

I forget that it's not about acting and trying.

It's about being.

It's about being Upright.

It's about being Righteous.

It's about remembering:

Christ took what was upside down and made it right side up.

Christ took what was wrong and made it right.

In Christ,

I am Upright.

I am Righteous.

I don't have to act or try.

I only have to remember who I am.

Main Entry: righ·teous
Function: adjective 1 : free from guilt or sin

Main Entry: upright
Function: noun 1: the state of being upright : perpendicular

Main Entry: per·pen·dic·u·lar

Function: adjective 1 a: standing at right angles to the plane of the horizon :

exactly upright

How big is big?

Until the day Samuel died, he did not go see Saul again, though Samuel mourned for him. And the Lord was grieved that he made Saul king over Israel.
1 Samuel 15:35

Samuel mourned and the Lord grieved.

If I read this with a certain perspective, it almost sounds like God is grieving a mistake. But that is really not congruent with what I believe to be true about God, it is not congruent with the God who has shown Himself in my life. Sometimes I come across a passage or a phrase and I feel like I have to make a decision about perspective. Am I going to see God as smaller and more human...or am I going to see God as greater than my mind can conceive?

Grief.

This is a continuation of the story of Saul's fall. Samuel was there from the beginning with Saul. God revealed truth to Samuel about Saul and placed a vision in his heart for Saul. Samuel loved Saul, helped Saul grow, and had huge hopes and dreams wrapped up in him. All with good cause, God had chosen Saul as king, seems like pretty solid ground to stand on... And then, Saul went wrong.

Yeah, I know that feeling.

I think of all the times I pinned my hopes and dreams on things that weren't anywhere near solid, and the times I wrapped myself up in things I thought for sure were going to last, and even the times I was positive God was in it.
And then...it all went wrong.

Samuel had to walk away from Saul, let go of his dreams for Saul...forever.
What happened? Where was God?

God was grieving.

Maybe God was grieving with Samuel.

Maybe God knows something about mourning that I have a hard time accepting.
It is necessary, it is time consuming, it is good.
Pushing away my disappointment and sorrow, covering up my broken heart, trying to put on brave face and move on...Coming up with 3 word band aids that I say with a sigh and a sad smile "God is good"..."God has a plan"...maybe that's not good.

Maybe I don't have to placate God with my "faith".

Maybe I can cry out to God, question God, hurt with God, and He will be there with me.
Maybe He is so big, that I can give Him my broken heart and my broken dreams...

and He won't fix them.

He will sit with me and hold me, and grieve with me.

(Baby) Step One

The account of Saul's disobedience, and subsequent fall, in 1 Samuel 15, is incredibly powerful. Here is a man who was hand picked and groomed, by God, to rule Israel. A man chosen by God to lead God's chosen nation.

Great Gig.

God is close to Saul throughout this entire process. There is guidance from the prophet Samuel, law set down from Moses, and even revelation from God himself. How can he go wrong? Well, being human and all, Saul has a propensity to go wrong. Saul's story is of full of arrogance, pride, excuses, blame, denial and rationalization. But the thing that strikes me the clearest, is that he "feels" like he is doing good. He knows God said to do things a certain way, but it "seems" to him like his own way is better. He is not blatantly thumbing his nose at God...in his own mind, he presumes, that clear instruction, law and revelation from God, aren't relevant to his circumstance. He has got "good" intentions, and He is doing "good" things.

Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices
as much as in obeying the Voice of the Lord?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
and to heed is better than than the fat of the rams.
1 Samuel 15:22

I wrote this verse down, for the first time, 3 years ago. I was lost. I had lived my entire life doing what "felt" right. I had blown like the winds of a hurricane, through my life, wreaking havoc and destruction on myself and anyone who got too close. I grasped and clutched at anything that "seemed" solid in effort to anchor myself, to no avail. This verse, struck a chord within me.

I learned about God as a child, read the bible, knew bible stories and John 3:16, attended various churches, prayed when desperate and, in general, knew right from wrong. But actual obedience to God, had never seemed relevant. This is the 21st century! We're not living in biblical times, those ancient rules do not "seem" to apply to my life today. Besides, I don't want to do anything just because God says so, I want it to "feel" right, I want my heart to be in it.

I guess I got desperate enough to try anything, no matter how outrageous...even obeying God when it didn't feel right.

If someone were to ask me today, looking back over the past three years, what has "grown" me the most. I could give a list of three. Number 1, is obedience. Every major point of my growth has been rooted in listening to the guidance of incredible followers of Christ and seeking out the truth in scripture and relationship with God.

Obedience is about trust, and it's backwards.

I don't obey because I trust, I obey and I learn to trust.

I don't get to go to heaven because I am obedient...By being obedient, I bring heaven to earth.

It's all Good.

Leviticus 10:1,2
...They offered unauthorized fire before the Lord, contrary to his command. So fire came out from the presence of the Lord and consumed them and they died before the Lord.

1 Samuel 6:19
But God struck down some of the men of Beth Shemesh, putting seventy of them to death because they had looked into the Ark of the Lord.

Seems Harsh.

Sometimes, when I'm reading the bible, I have to stop and ask God
"What's the deal with that?"
I don't get it. I'm still new at this. It's hard to reconcile infinite love and grace with...

These men...were struck down and died of plague before the Lord.
Numbers 14:37

Maybe I should mind my own business and accept the fact that I'm not God. But, I still have some nagging questions.
Like, how bad do you have to be, to get struck down, personally, by the hand of God?

And I know some people, maybe a lot of people, have similar questions.
If God is so good and loving, then why...???

I don't have an answer.

But, somehow, when I step back from the scripture, far enough back that one instant and one situation begins to fade. The words and verses become blurry and melt into each other, and I no longer see one person or one moment in time, but I get a glimpse of Eternity... The questions become less urgent. And I think of my own moments.

Saturday morning, there were doors slamming in my house, and tear filled shouts of "I hate you mom!" (14 year old girls are a special blessing)
Saturday night, I held the same child in my arms while she was getting stitches.
Last week I had lunch with my dad and my sons.
I sat back, watching them talk and laugh, and remembered stormy days in my childhood with my dad, and stormy days with my boys.
Days, I wish, were not as dark as I recall.
I remember sitting at my own dining room table a couple of years ago.
Everyone in my house was angry, all the time. We were living in the same house, yet so far apart from each other.
My 16 year old son made an offhand remark, and everyone was laughing...for a moment.

My family, going back generations, has known brokenness. There has been anger, hurt, rejection, abandonment, betrayal, failure, sorrow, disappointment and loss. Sometimes, I ask why. Why is it that the people we were created to love, and care for above all others, are the people we hurt the most?
My family, going back generations, has loved. There has been joy, celebration, nurturing, protection, fierce loyalty, forgiveness, laughter, safety, healing and reconciliation. Sometimes, I wonder how. How do we hold on, through so much adversity? The ties seem so fragile.

In the end, there is no answer that is sufficient. There is only the understanding, that it is family, and it is good.

My questions about God's family and God's moments are the same.

Sometimes, I just don't get to know.

But I know that I am His and He is mine.
And sometimes, if I step back far enough, from trying to figure it all out...I feel myself drawn into forever. Where all of creation moves not only towards the Creator, but with and in relation to the Creator.

And it is all Good.

If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.
Romans 14:8

The Secret things belong to the Lord our God...
Deuteronomy 29:1

My Way

1 Samuel 8:21,22
When Samuel heard all that the people said, he repeated it before the Lord.
The Lord answered "Listen to them and give them a king."

The story of Israel in 1 Samuel 8, resonates within me. They are tired. They want an easy answer, a quick solution. Following an unseen God, hoping in miracles, that seem to come to few and far between, trusting in people who always seem to fail them, the daily grind...chips away at their Faith. It clouds their memories of Grand Deliverance, Pillars of Fire, Parted Seas and Bread from Heaven. They look around at their neighbors...THEY have kings! THEY have gods you can see and touch! THEY have it so good. What about ME?

I wish it were not such a familiar lament.

It's amazingly easy for me to meld into this petulant child. If only I had a husband, or more money, a better job or education, better looks or a better body, respectful kids or a more supportive family, better friends, better connections....The list is endless. Sometimes (more often then I'd like to admit) I even find myself trying to "arrange" it. Take a square peg, and see if I can whittle the corners a little and cram it into a round hole. Just like the toy that toddlers play with, the little shape bucket, they get so frustrated trying to shove that star into the oval space.

There is always a sense of fear and panic.
What if I don't get what I want?
What if in the end, I am empty and alone and bitter...and all the rest of the world is smiling and laughing.

But lately, somewhere underneath all of the struggles and vain attempts to wrestle the world into my box. In the breath between the complaints and whining, comes another question.
What if what I want, isn't enough?
What if, like the Children of Israel, my desperate need for concrete solutions, is blocking the only True Answer?

The God of Abraham, Isaac and Moses, is more than Enough. The God of Miracles is Big Enough. The Determination of a God who Chose a Nation is Strong Enough. The Love of a God who Sees me, is Deep Enough.

And lately, there is another fear.
What if I insist on my own way, one too many times...
and God decides to let me have it?

Psalm 106:20
They exchanged their Glory
for an image of a bull, which eats grass.

Family Stories

Luke 2:51,52
...But his mother treasured all these things in her heart. And Jesus grew in Wisdom and Stature and in Favor with God and men.

My mother's pregnancy with me, was the worst out of the three. She was sick the entire time and went into premature labor in the 7th month. Her labor began at my grandmother's house when Johnny Carson was getting ready to start (for those of you who don't remember Johnny Carson, he came on at 11:30 pm). My grandmother thought it was a false alarm because it was to soon. But before long, she found herself racing down Thirty-one, blaring her horn, with my mom hanging her head out the window, screaming. By the way, it was the absolute worst, most insane pain anyone has ever experienced, ever. I was born at 12:55am.

There's more to the story. Accounts from family and friends who were a part of my mom's life during her pregnancy with me, Accounts about the weeks I spent in an incubator and how small I was when I finally came home. Accounts of first words, first steps, projectile vomiting, and some crazy (usually naked) escapades as a toddler. The story of my birth and childhood is remembered in the accounts of others.

The story of Jesus' birth and childhood, in the first two chapters of Luke, reminds me of these family stories. It begins with the conception of John the Baptist and ends with a precocious 12 year old in a temple. And while verse after verse could be singled out and examined with awe, read in it's entirety...there is a rhythm and whisper of something mind-blowing.

As I read it, I feel myself drawn in, as if I'm sitting around the living room at Thanksgiving, full and sleepy, with family and friends who are laughing and telling stories.

Do you remember when.....?

Something stirs under the peaceful tranquility of this safe, comfortable, familiar place. My heart beats a little faster, and I take in accounts of angels and visions, shepherds and kings, prophets and wise men. What really takes my breath away, is not how fantastic it all is, but the image of a boy.

A young dark-haired, barefoot boy, around the age of 8 or 10, sitting cross-legged on the floor, full and sleepy, among his family and friends laughing and joking, and someone says....Do you remember when....?

What would it be like to be told our own story and have it include things like...
Do you remember when the angel came? Wasn't it a hoot when Elizabeth got pregnant? Zechariah couldn't believe it! Remember the shepherds and gifts from the wise men? How about running from that evil king?...Do you remember the Star?

or...

"He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David, and He will reign over the House of Jacob forever; His kingdom will never end."
Luke 1:32,33

What would it have been like for this boy who was given a true vision of who God created him to be? Who was told that long before he was conceived or born, he was alive in the mind of God, the entire earth was waiting for him.

I am moved beyond words, stunned by the magnitude, not only of who Jesus is, but something more. There's more to the story. It's my part of the story. It is me...at the foot of the cross. It is me...born of God into a family of saints. It is me...resting in the company of loved ones who are whispering my story....God knew you before you were born, You were born with a purpose, You were meant for greatness...Remember who you are.

The creation waits in eager expectation for the Sons of God to be revealed.
Romans 8:19

My Father's Voice

Deuteronomy 8:3
...Man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.

There were times during my childhood when my father would sit my brothers and I down at the dining room table on Saturday morning...to read The Bible. It wasn't an optional activity, if friends spent the night, they joined too. Each of us took turns wistfully glancing into the living room at the blank t.v. screen, Saturday morning cartoons were so close, yet so far away.

We started reading Genesis 1:1 and read straight through. Everyone would get their turn, the next week we would pick up where we left off. I don't remember how far we got, much to our relief, my dad was a little inconsistent in his spiritual discipline. I know that my dad has read the bible cover to cover more than once. I know that if you asked me today to recite the names of the first 14 books in order, I could do it without batting an eye. My dad taught me that, I bet his intention was to teach me all 66.

The wonderous thing about this experience, cartoons aside, is that even as a young girl, I was enthralled with the bible. It read like a novel to me, it was mysterious and exciting and I was sure that with each turn of the page something amazing would unfold. I loved the language of the King James Version, and the sound of the words in my father's voice. I was utterly convinced that God was speaking directly to me, and if parts were confusing or I didn't understand, it would all be revealed when we got to the end.

I feel the same, even more so, today.

Throughout my life, much like my father, I have turned and returned to this God-Breathed work, like a lost traveler trying to read a map that has been folded too many times. I know the answers are there, but the tighter I clutch it and the more intently I scrutinize it, the harder it is to see. In frustration and despair, I have given up. At the same time, no matter how lost I get in the distortions, many of which I have created...God reveals himself in the creases. There is always a whisper, a word, a sign, a crossroad, a direction...it is just not possible to open this book without the truth pouring out.

I am learning to rest in the word of God. I'm learning to quit grasping and analyzing and allow God's spirit to come through the pages. I am encountering not only the unfathomable character of Christ, but forming an intimately familiar relationship with him. I am learning who God created me to be and how to love others as I am loved.

I am learning to listen to the voice of my Father.

What I write here will be a reflection of the love of my Fathers. My Father God who created me with intention and purpose and is revealing himself to me in letters and verses. And my dad.

I learned from my dad that God is accessible and knowable. He taught me that God doesn't live in a building, God lives in scripture. He taught me that I am close to Moses and David and Peter and Paul, he showed me how to see myself in the lives of people who lived long ago. We are all woven together in God's story.

My dad opened my heart and inspired my passion for the Living, Breathing Word of God.