How big is big?

Until the day Samuel died, he did not go see Saul again, though Samuel mourned for him. And the Lord was grieved that he made Saul king over Israel.
1 Samuel 15:35

Samuel mourned and the Lord grieved.

If I read this with a certain perspective, it almost sounds like God is grieving a mistake. But that is really not congruent with what I believe to be true about God, it is not congruent with the God who has shown Himself in my life. Sometimes I come across a passage or a phrase and I feel like I have to make a decision about perspective. Am I going to see God as smaller and more human...or am I going to see God as greater than my mind can conceive?

Grief.

This is a continuation of the story of Saul's fall. Samuel was there from the beginning with Saul. God revealed truth to Samuel about Saul and placed a vision in his heart for Saul. Samuel loved Saul, helped Saul grow, and had huge hopes and dreams wrapped up in him. All with good cause, God had chosen Saul as king, seems like pretty solid ground to stand on... And then, Saul went wrong.

Yeah, I know that feeling.

I think of all the times I pinned my hopes and dreams on things that weren't anywhere near solid, and the times I wrapped myself up in things I thought for sure were going to last, and even the times I was positive God was in it.
And then...it all went wrong.

Samuel had to walk away from Saul, let go of his dreams for Saul...forever.
What happened? Where was God?

God was grieving.

Maybe God was grieving with Samuel.

Maybe God knows something about mourning that I have a hard time accepting.
It is necessary, it is time consuming, it is good.
Pushing away my disappointment and sorrow, covering up my broken heart, trying to put on brave face and move on...Coming up with 3 word band aids that I say with a sigh and a sad smile "God is good"..."God has a plan"...maybe that's not good.

Maybe I don't have to placate God with my "faith".

Maybe I can cry out to God, question God, hurt with God, and He will be there with me.
Maybe He is so big, that I can give Him my broken heart and my broken dreams...

and He won't fix them.

He will sit with me and hold me, and grieve with me.